The Lasting Impact of Abuse

There's been a lot in the news lately about the Sean "Diddy" Combs trial. A lot of disgusting facts have come out. I actually don't follow it very closely, but there is one thing I have noticed, which I find very frustrating.

Everyone keeps asking why the women didn't leave him. They keep, in an accusing way, asking why the women praised him even after they were "free" of him.

Well, for one thing, I'm guessing, it's because they were not, ever, really "free." Underneath such questions is the ever-present implication that somehow these women are at fault because they stay. 

What I haven't heard is conversation centered around the real reason women stay, protect him, and are hesitant to speak up against him.

The power an abusive person has over another doesn't just go away when the official "relationship" has ended. The fear and control the abuser uses over their victim/survivor remains for a very long time. 

When are we going to understand that the power exhibited by abusers is so great, that the hurt they inflict (physically, verbally and emotionally) has a lasting impact?

When are we going to stop shaming people for their response to their abuser? It's not as simple as turning off a switch. Besides, don't we think the victim already loathes themselves enough for having loved such a monster, and being unable to let go of the grip they have on them?

Rather than asking, "Why didn't you just leave?" we should be asking "How can I help?" 

I've read that people who have been abused don't like to consider themselves victims, but prefer to be described as survivors. In that way, they can take back the control they lost and try to start a new life. 

If you know of someone who has been--or is--in an abusive relationship, be careful not to judge their actions based on what you would do, but see if there is anyway you can help them get out of it. And be patient. It may take a lot of false starts.

Janet Cassidy
Email me at:  jmctm2@gmail.com

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