God's Mysterious Ways

I had just come in from soccer practice when I spotted him: A new face at the piano, my favorite instrument. My heart jumped to my throat as I watched him play. I turned to one of the girls on my soccer team and asked if she knew who this beautiful stranger was. Yes, he was the little brother of one of the upper classmen and he would be attending our school the next year. My heart bookmarked this moment and I set my gaze on the year ahead with great hope of meeting this beautiful boy soon.

Sure enough, he enrolled in our school the next year and as luck would have it, he was in my very math class! Algebra II was about to become my favorite class of all time. Our seats were not assigned so there were days we sat near each other and occasionally days that he sat in the seat next to mine! Our math teacher gave us daily assignments and had us exchange math homework to grade in class the following day. One particular day, the student who usually sat next to me was absent. This meant my seat was exactly next to my crush! What this meant was I could exchange math homework for grading with him! I did just that! I even got his signature on my homework!! The day couldn’t get any better.

I noticed this guy was talented at more than the piano. He was a math whiz! He was top of the class on every test, usually earning a perfect 100%. Math was usually a strong subject for me but at this school, I struggled due to weak math teachers. I asked my crush how he was able to ace each math test that came up as well as all the homework. To him the answer was simple-he had worked ahead in the book. In fact, his goal was to complete the math book before the rest of the class. I thought this was a genius idea so I decided to follow his lead. I began to work ahead in my math book and the 100’s started flowing. At the end of the year, I ended up at the top of the class.

Being around him felt magnetic - something deeper than fantasy, more urgent than any crush I'd known. I told myself he was the smartest, most talented and possibly even the holiest guy in my class. I found his phone number in the school directory and called him up one evening under the pretense of asking about homework. To my horror, his dad answered the phone and I had to compose myself while I waited to speak to my crush. He wasn’t much for conversation on the phone and I was glad I had written my questions out; I was so nervous to talk to him. In the end, he wasn’t very enthusiastic and I had asked all the questions. It was disappointing.

In Algebra class, I had ample time to observe him and took the opportunity to note anything I could learn about him outside of class as well. I wondered what kind of girls he liked and why he didn’t seem to notice me? I got my answer to his type when he would enthusiastically chat up a brunette in the class below us every chance he got after school as we awaited our rides. For the first time in my life, I almost wished I was a brunette.

The next year arrived, and so did another brunette, this time a girl in my class. They became close and even after he left our school to attend another high school, he stayed in touch, almost exclusively with her. They attended prom together and she told me he confessed his love for her-a deeply heart-breaking confession for me to hear. Why wouldn’t he choose me?

I secretly envisioned taking a picture of him and somehow turning it into a poster to display over my bed, but I was conflicted someone would discover my secret crush.

At the end of sophomore year, I joined the yearbook club briefly and got access to leftover pictures. There was a beautiful one of him by himself during baseball season! I kept that picture and pasted it into a scrapbook I kept of high school treasures beside his signature from my math homework. Through all my mental gymnastics, it never occurred to me that he wasn’t worth the mental energy, or that he simply liked brunettes and could never change. I sorely felt the disconnect between his lack of interest in me and my need to be liked by him.

My junior year, I joined cross country and stopped eating sugar during the running season. My body toned up beautifully and boys started to notice me. My first prom was at the end of the school year and I dearly wanted to go with my dream date. I did get asked to prom by a classmate, but I turned him down because I had other plans. My brunette friend asked my crush first, so I decided to go with another boy from his school. I called up my crush and got the phone number of the other boy. My hope that this could spark jealousy was purely in my imagination.

When my prom date picked me up, the look on his face when I walked down the stairs made me feel beautiful for the first time in my life. I enjoyed my prom immensely, even while I watched my crush with my friend, his love interest, enjoy prom too.

I learned about his hopes and dreams from my friend. He longed to attend Westpoint in hopes of emulating his dad. Sadly, my crush suffered a sudden physical injury that meant he would not get into Westpoint. I could imagine his disappointment from afar.

I dreamt of him often and one fevered night, I stayed up late playing with rudimentary picture software and put together our pictures in a fake wedding photo. I truly believed that if I didn’t marry him, I would always be single.

I saw him at parties after high school, especially at my brunette friend’s house. I made sure to get a couple of pictures with him. We both went on to attend separate universities, but the hope in my heart, that one day we would be together, remained.

In college, I found downtime to log into AOL Instant Messenger, where I had discovered his chat name. I messaged him and he responded! I reviewed my memories over chat and he seemed impressed I had so many memories of him from the two years he was at my school.

I told my college roommate all about my secret dreams of marrying this boy. As we walked the four years of school together, she tried to convince me my dream was not realistic, but my heart wouldn’t accept this view of reality.

I graduated from college and worked an internship in the same building where his parents worked. One day, the organization hosted a baby shower for one of the ladies on staff and my crush’s mom attended the shower. I chatted her up and she sensed my feelings for her son based on our conversation. That week, I got a call from him! He asked me out to lunch!

He picked me up and we drove to a sandwich shop down the street. He took me to a deli he was familiar with. However, I didn’t have very long for lunch, so I spent most of our “date” talking to him in the car. He told me he was trying to get addicted to lollipops and showed me a half empty bag of blow pops in the back of his car. I discouraged that particular behavior citing my experience with mouth sores from sugar. He never suggested a second date and somehow, it seemed like the date was a flop. Our date ended when he dropped me back at the office, but I knew I would see him at church. The church was hosting a musical for the young adults and he was in the orchestra. I had volunteered to help with props when I found out he was involved and my hope persisted that we had a future together.

One evening, he actually offered to give me a ride home from church when he learned I had walked to the musical. He told me he was going on a trip to the Holy Land and he offered to pray for me. I thanked him for the ride and the prayers. Sure enough, the next week and a half, he was absent from practice.

To get to my internship, I had to take a bus to the train to a shuttle to the office. I had ample time to reflect and pray during my 90 minute commute each way. One particular day, awhile after our lunch date, I felt an overwhelming discouragement that he would never choose me and we would never be together. The discouragement hit me midday during my internship and made my heart sink with the weight of the feeling.  I shot up a desperate prayer to God. I needed hope! Just some form of hope to combat this sudden cloud of discouragement.

That evening, the musical was live with an audience. I walked past the orchestra during intermission and my crush pulled me aside saying he had something for me after the performance. I could barely contain my curiosity during the second act. I met up with him once the performance finished and he handed me an olive wood rosary, blessed by the Patriarch of Jerusalem. I was excited and touched at the same time. I immediately gave him a promise. I told him I would offer one decade of every rosary I said with those beads specifically for him. He thanked me and we parted ways.

On the way to my internship, I was reading a book that described Noah’s Ark in more detail. It suddenly occurred to me that like the olive branch the dove brought Noah, I received an olive wood rosary from the Holy Spirit as my personal symbol of hope! God was good.

I kept my promise to pray for my crush. I carried my rosary with me at all times and every rosary I prayed with those beads, one fifth of my prayers were dedicated to praying for him. That rosary was a treasure to me and I cherished it.

Our paths crossed only one more time in the years that followed. I went to a party at his apartment and met the girl who would become his wife. She was a somewhat quiet brunette and she looked at me with some apprehension as I conversed with my crush. She was a music major where he was in grad school.

Within the year, I spotted a wedding announcement in the paper with their picture and my heart sank. This was so final. What had gone wrong? Were my prayers for nothing? What had happened? Was I really meant to be single forever?

I tried to forget him, but every now and then I would check up on his Facebook profile. His profile picture was him with his wife at the beach dancing in the waves. I learned they had a baby, in time. I did my best to put all thoughts of him aside.

I worked my accounting career. I moved several times around the DC area. I even tried living in Florida, but I ended back in Virginia. I finally met my husband online and moved to rural Virginia when we got married. I carried my olive wood rosary to pray when I traveled. I had kept it and used it for over ten years. One day, I had a reunion with some of my high school compatriots. My friend, his sophomore love interest, brought pictures to reminisce. She told me he had gotten a divorce. She didn’t know the details, but my curiosity was up. I was finally married and happy but this unanswered question, this prayer I had carried for decades now, what did it all mean?

I turned to Google and Facebook. It turns out, he did find another girl to marry. On his Facebook page, he had posted a link to an article he had written. I clicked over to the article. This article was him confessing his life secret-a hidden porn addiction. In the article he described junior high and high school. All the while I was pining after this guy, he was engaged in a secret battle with lust. As I read the article, details fell into place. Memories had new meaning. I remembered all the times he played the organ and never went to communion. The conversation about an addiction to lollipops no longer seemed silly, but an attempt to trade addictions. All the while I imagined this guy as the holiest boy in my class, he was struggling with powerful demons. I closed the article. Relief washed over me. It all made sense! God had answered my prayers after all! I had been protected from the life I thought I wanted. Grace had saved me and I finally had  the sweetness of closure.

In an odd twist, I lost the rosary I had carried all these years on a plane trip not long after I discovered the article. My heart was able to let go. My husband held my hand. I had complete peace.