I asked Jesus to break my heart everyday…and he does!

When I returned to college not too many years ago I was required to read a book for class, “What Do Jews Believe?” In his chapter on prayer David Ariel says something about praying with a broken heart. It wasn’t the most significant thing Ariel had to say about prayer but the idea of praying with a broken heart affected me. I thought about it a lot. “The LORD is close to the brokenhearted, saves those whose spirit is crushed.” Psalm 34:19

I asked Jesus to break my heart!

I took this book with me to Medjugorje to read on the plane and while I was at Medjugorje the idea of praying with a broken heart developed for me. Later back home, I asked Jesus to break my heart every day. I wasn’t sure exactly what I was asking Jesus to do but I felt I must ask Jesus for this if I want to get closer to him. I believe that broken-heartedness and praying with a broken heart is somehow connected to the Passion and Death of Our Lord. I came to accept that every discomfort, pain, sorrow, disappointment, discouragement, heartache, all my suffering would now be something Jesus was doing to me and for me. Knowing that it was Jesus breaking my heart made it easier to accept suffering.

As I pondered this anomaly I reflected on my bad days, on the times I felt misunderstood, my worries, anxiety and confusion. All of it became reminders of Jesus’ agonizing suffering for my sake.

I wondered, “Are my heartaches a result of my sinfulness? Am I too connected to the world? Am I overly concerned about myself or is my suffering directly caused by Our Lord to help me grow in holiness?” The good news is that as I move away from selfish desires it is being replaced with a burning desire for God.

What happened next is powerful. The Holy Spirit revealed to me that none of this will do me any good because it has no meaning unless I profess my faith and put into practice my 100% unconditional love and trust in the LORD OF MY LIFE. And so my complete submission to God developed around the time I asked Jesus to break my heart every day.

I spoke a little to Father Don, my spiritual director, about this development in my spirituality. I told him about my unconditional trust in Jesus. Father answered me, “the problem is when we do this we expect things to happen the way we want and we can lose faith when it doesn’t.” And though I took Father’s words to heart, I told him, “but Father that’s why it’s unconditional trust! Unconditionally accepting whatever God gives me no matter what.”

It’s hard. What I’m asking of myself is to be super human, really a supernatural person, which is what God wants us to be. It is right for us to strive for 100% unconditional love and trust in God. “Do not fear: I am with you; do not be anxious: I am your God. I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my victorious right hand.” Isaiah 41:10

The Sacrament Reconciliation is extremely important!

I usually don’t go to the church community penitential services our parish holds during Advent and Lent because I go to confession once a month. But I invited my 89 year old friend Rae and she accepted so I would be taking her. In the past Rae told me she hasn’t been to confession in over 20 years. I’ve been encouraging her to go to confession for some time now. I even asked Father Erik to talk to her and he did. Rae listened to Father but just shook her head. So finally Rae was willing to go to confession.

However I was disappointed when Rae didn’t go into the confessional. She never intended to but wanted to attend the communal service to do her own personal confession to God.

When I took Rae home I planned to go home also but instead I went back. Lately the draw to go to confession is strong. I realized during the penitential service that I no longer have to force myself to go. I sometimes find myself taking advantage of the Sacrament of Reconciliation more often than once a month. So I went back to church. There were still lines! I waited until the lines got shorter! Then Father Mac had one person left in his line. Father Mac was surprised to see me. We know one another. I sometimes attend Mass at his parish in the next county. He said, “You were one of the first ones here and now you’re the last one to go to confession.” We laughed! Then I started my confession by telling Father Mac that I’m big on trusting in Jesus and pride myself on my trust. I told him I’m always telling people to give all their worries to God and to put their trust in Our Lord. I told Father Mac, however, that as soon as I have worries and concerns my trust starts to crumble. As I was telling him this, Father silently listened. His face was very expressive, so understanding and empathetic. I could feel his compassion for my desire to turn my life over to God and the struggles I have following through during bad times. It was a good confession. The Holy Spirit made His presence known as Father Mac absolved me of my sins.

I receive comfort, sorrow and hope!

My sister Bonnie called me next morning. She was out walking. I have seven sisters and two brothers. They don’t call me often but they seem to sense when I’m not doing well. I was happy to hear from Bonnie. She was out walking in the 70 degree weather, a cool breeze, past the duck pond, a very light rain. I could picture her. I was feeling peaceful. She was worried about me. I let her know everything’s fine. I couldn’t talk long because I was heading to a funeral. I wasn’t close to the lady who died but I knew her family. I prayed for them with a broken heart. Later in the afternoon my sister Ginger called me. Ginger asked about my son David. Ginger was worried about me as well. I let her know I wasn’t worried about David and that I was well.

Later that evening David called me. What he called to tell me was distressing. In fact I cried so hard while listening to David. I lay on the bed sobbing as he talked to me. My head hurt, my eyes burned. I could barely talk, my nose was stuffed up. All the while thinking, “What am doing? I should be comforting him!” I felt out of control. Then David reassured me over and over that he would not kill himself. I wanted to believe him. Finally I was able to tell David I believe him and that I have faith all will be okay.

The past and the present, Jesus with me!

I had written the above in my spiritual journal a few years ago. This last story about my son and his suicidal thoughts is the kind of heartbreak I have to turn over to Jesus. When David was in a coma from overdosing on prescription medication (this was not the 1^st time he tried to kill himself), I had to trust Jesus unconditionally. It’s extremely hard to do but it’s a big part of the covenant I have with Jesus. Jesus breaks my heart but in asking him to break my heart I accept the sorrow, the pain, the suffering, whatever Jesus gives me. And yes Jesus also gives me joy and goodness. Jesus gives me so much joy and goodness. “Consider it all joy, my brothers, when you encounter various trials, for you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. And let perseverance be perfect, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.” James 1:24

I share this very private yet true example of the heartbreak I experienced over my sons despair in empathy for what you readers might be suffering.

The other day David told me he’s very happy and has been for a while. I don’t remember him ever telling that before. “Thank you Jesus!”

Does your heart ache and ache? Give your heart to Jesus. Trust in Jesus. Discover the joy of Jesus in your broken-heartedness.

I asked Jesus to break my heart everyday…and he does!