Top 8 distractions at Holy Mass--please help?

1. Women

Holy Mass and Feminism are incompatible. We know this because only men were invited to the first Holy Mass. The feet washed on Holy Thursday were male Apostles--only. Jesus set a clear precedent that men should lead us. It is not about chauvinism since He turned water into wine in obedience to Mother Mary. Once resurrected, Jesus appeared to St Mary Magdalene first. Women can bring forth life, men cannot. This is about the 1st, 3rd, 6th and 9th commandments. Men are visually stimulated which can lead to lust, 1 of 7 deadly sins. If we women, force our way onto the altar, we commit envy, pride or self-idolatry and failure to keep the Lord's Day holy. Purposefully, if we cause a man to sin in his heart, we are complicit in his lust. These attention-seeking sins occur when we plant ourselves between a man seeking his God. With young men returning to the faith, let them lead our future. Holy Mass is the perfect time for women to abide, to let God love us and bask in the beautiful role that God created for His precious daughters.  

• Women can have beautiful voices, let us use them in our choir lofts.
• The female foot is a work of art, a thing of beauty and was purposely not washed by Jesus on Holy Thursday. To the naive, foot fetishes exist. There are serial 5th commandment sinners who keep trophies of these body parts. Let us be careful how we package them.
• Modesty--Mother Mary's purity is our moral compass. Please see this opinion piece, Stop playing holy if you're dressing like the world. 
• No thanks to the Internet, men struggle with dopamine-seeking addictions to adult content. If we love our neighbor, why torture them?
• Everyone is love-starved. The best attention-seeking behavior is the desire for God's gaze. He knows our every wound and only He can heal them. 

2. Thanks to priests who genuflect to the tabernacle, kneel after Holy Communion and role-model holiness. 

• Priestly genuflections and bowing is sometimes done toward a small altar crucifix, facing the laity. This is confusing. What message does this send to kids and catechumens? God lives in our tabernacles, let us honor Him directly and not with our backsides.
• Post-op joint replacements aside, post-communion is a great opportunity to kneel in thanksgiving to God for saving our sorry souls. Priests who do this, elevate the Eucharist and give pause to its miracles.
• Cassocks are like cop cars but in a loving way--people clean up their act in proximity. Thanks for being proud of our faith.
• Confession during Holy Mass is a great practice, if priests are available. Imagine if confession and communion lines were equal?

3. Clapping

• If not for God, then who? Clapping to honor a human "performance" is a slippery slope. In His presence, we should have no idols or distractions from Him. If the Blessed Sacrament is removed, sacred performances or gatherings with clapping are a different story. 
• Honoring birthdays, anniversaries or other milestones--can be done in the vestibule or later. 
• Was there clapping on Calvary? 

4. Visiting and Chatter

• The 8th commandment states, thou shalt not steal. What about figurative theft? Stealing someone's time with God is wrong, especially those suffering family crises, death, or other disasters. For 1 hour each week, we get the True Presence. Some of us sinners need every moment. 
• Consider the miscarrying couple--trying to conceive for 4 years--who needs consolation from God. Meanwhile, the choir critiques each others' mistakes and the hard of hearing-club yells out whose turn it is to host Euchre. 
• It is the ushers' duty to protect the silence for those thirsting for God. 

5. Laity hand placement and gestures

• Fr Edward McNamara, professor of liturgy at the Regina Apostolo rum Pontifical Athenaeum addresses holding hands. "The use of this practice during the Our Father could detract and distract from the prayer's God-directed sense of adoration and petition, as explained in CCC #2777-2865." 
• There are hygiene, social deterrence i.e. autism, introversion, mental illness or other social proximity reasons why touching is not a good idea.
• See this post, The faithful are NOT to use the Orans posture during the Our Father.

 6. Extra-Ordinary Ministers

• See post, Eucharistic minister: Are your hands consecrated? Only priests have faculties to perform sacraments, sacred rites and child blessings.
• EOMs hands are not purified during the Lavabo of the Holy Mass. The communion line to the priest should be the longest.
• The best way to fix is fundraising to encourage Deacon scholarships.

7. The Sign of Peace

• EWTN online Holy Masses omit this. Why might that be?
• Have a giggle about Typhoid Tommy in this post, Why Is The ‘Sign Of Peace' often a Sign Of Conflict?

8. Miscellaneous etiquette

• Men should remove baseball caps in church.
• Gum should be discarded before Holy Mass.
• Pure silence is needed during the consecration i.e. silenced cell phones
• <Insert more pettiness here>

What is Holy Mass? 

• Holy Mass is where we take our place next to Mother Mary and St John on Calvary to honor the crucifixion.
• When the priest elevates the Host, we imagine Roman soldiers hefting-up Jesus' limb-nailed cross off the dusty gravel. Using ropes, they push, swing, grunt and aim Him/the cross' base into a pre-dug post-hole. Jesus bounces on impact, dripping with blood and sweat as his body weight and gravity pulls at his pierced hands and feet. To breathe, Jesus must step on his pierced feet to expand his ribs and diaphragm. Any words spoken require precious oxygen. At this moment, we believe the Host is Jesus Christ's body, demonstrated by Eucharistic miracles. These precious 60 minutes is not about us--it is about Him. 
• We have the best God in the Universe who came to redeem us. Yet, our time is limited to bond with Him to 1-hour weekly. Some of us sinners want to be with God: to escape demands, responsibilities, conflict and just let God love us. In our evil world, who doesn't need 1-free uninterrupted hour of pure Love each week? 

If you know, you know. Thanks to all, for understanding true hunger for holiness!

Jesus, we trust in You. 

Sources: 

7 “Horizontal” Shenanigans That Have Crept Into Mass That Must Be Removed ASAP