5 ways to get out of the Sign of Peace

I’m not really going to preface this article except for the fact that a few friends and I were visiting a parish, singing at Christmas Mass, and the sign of peace was very long; so long in fact that it seemed that everyone had to shake hands with everybody in order for Mass to continue. I’m not necessarily a germaphobe, but in the course of shaking hands with 35 people the possibility is very likely that yes, I am now going to get the flu just in time for New Year’s. It got me and a few friends talking about how to, covertly of course, not engage at the sign of peace. Here is what we came up with.

Reason 1: Only shake the hands of people in front of you

This one is pretty simple. Just don’t turn around! It automatically cuts the number of people who you shake hands with in half. Even better, get to church early and sit in the front pew. Father will be happy the front seat is filled and you don’t have to shake anybody’s hand unless you want to. Mission accomplished.

Reason 2: avoid eye contact/pretend you’re praying

People seem to get the point quickly enough and you assume they assume that you have adopted a “holier than thou” attitude. Unless there is only one person with no one with them in front of you and they turn around expectantly. Then they feel snubbed and you feel guilty the rest of Mass.

Reason 3: wave

I’ve seen this. It’s….uncomfortable. Especially if others are within arm’s reach. They also immediately assume you have a very potent and deadly disease, which gives them a reason to leave early. Don’t expect them to be back in their seat after communion.

Reason 4 (used with reason 3): pretend you’re sick

Hmmm…questionable. This only works if you are visiting a parish. And please don’t make a huge deal out of it the whole Mass. You don’t have to have a coughing fit that Chewbacca would be proud of. Also, if you use this one at your home parish, people will see through it eventually, or you will become the most dreaded consistently late parishioner at the church. (Oh no, he’s sitting behind me again! I can’t take this anymore!)

Reason 5: start the Agnus Dei

Seriously, this works. Personally I’ve never done this, but I’ve definitely seen a random person in the pews belt out the Agnus Dei way too early. Some people faintly join in while the choir director freaks out and trips over the drum set, causing everyone to stop and watch her untangle herself. Again, don’t do this at your home parish, as people who know you will know your voice and will single you out to the participation points police (PPP), who will write up a report which is read by Father every Monday on local radio. Your name will be featured with the parishioners who knelt to receive communion (gasp) and didn’t sing the offertory hymn no one has ever heard before.