NEGOTIATING HELL: a sequel to CS Lewis' "Screwtape Letters." Ch 2-The burning laptop

The red phone rang.

God’s seraphic assistant poked her head into His Holy Office to relay this. It was time for His weekly chat with Satan. Nodding thanks to her, God activated the speaker button, cleared his voice and said “Hello, Satan.”

“I’ve got a problem, Satan blurted. “Hey, how’d you know it was me?

“It’s the red phone” replied God dryly.

“Whatever. I have a problem, and I don’t know how to minimize it.” Satan launched into his troubles. This forever, once-a-week phone call was a moral imperative. Satan was on a short leash and needed permission for everything.

“Hello, how are you, Lucifer?” asked God. Satan hated that name since it meant ‘bearer of light.’ He forfeited this title when he rebelled. Now he was the bearer of darkness. God continued, “what’s the problem?” Like, He didn’t already know.

“My minions want to organize,” complained Satan.

“What do you mean organize? I thought you had everything running smoothly,” teased God. “the exact way you wanted things.”

“I get it, you know everything. Yes, organize. They demand a union. They want better working conditions, holidays, insurance, dental and retirement. They want Siberian sojourns!” cried Satan. “Don’t they know it’s cold?”

“Oh, the irony,” smiled God. “He flashbacked to Lucifer and company’s rebellion. It led to dimensions of Hell. Pondering Satan’s selectively short memory, God giggled foreseeing the prideful Satan, sweating at a bargaining table.

“What should I do?” whined Satan. “Those ignorant minions have their tritons up their tails. Who inspired this evil—in my absence? I can’t allow a minion-union. It sets a guilding-precedence for the dictators, thieves, murderers and all levels! “Oh God, the lawyers would unionize! What good could come from that?”

“Stop breaking commandments,” God was firm. “Swearing is bad for your health.”

“No kidding!” said Satan as his burned lips melted and respawned. He continued irreverently. “These fallen angels disobeyed you. Now there disobey me!”

God smiled at the irony. As always, Satan forgot his own disobedience. “We both know your IQ. How might you outwit them?”

“Yes, my IQ. I forgot. I am the greatest and powerful handsomest angel ever made ... ” As Satan listed unearned gifts, God heard nothing about gratitude or generosity. Satan’s ego was exasperating. This self-aggrandizement reverted to hissing as Satan remembered the union. God waited for Satan to tire himself out. It might be a while. As a supporting cast member in the greatest story ever told, Satan was still salty about his scorched ego.  

“Yes, Satan,” God said into the mike occasionally, alternating with “uh huh.” Satan authored these fake responses for earthly husbands during wifely rants. God smirked at Satan’s cluelessness. Satan’s pride smothered his intellect. Suddenly, God heard flames, meaning Satan’s desk was on fire again. Over time, the noise died and God checked in, “Are you finished?”

“For now,” replied Satan. “But when I think about it, my blood pressure boils.”

“Use the wits I gave you, dial down the pride and research unions. Your generals are all over the TikTok. Don't you have a cell phone?” asked God.

“Well, no,” replied Satan. embarrassed. “Phones, laptops and servers don’t work for me. They ignite when I touch them. In case you've forgotten, it's hot down here.”

“Yeah, but it’s a dry heat,” toyed God. “Perhaps you need a climate-controlled room?”

“I know, but I’m not allowed comforts. It would be, like, paradise,” mourned Satan.

“How about delegating? Can you ask your Internet influencers to find union loopholes?” teased God.

“But what if they lie to me?” said Satan. “How can I trust anyone?”

“Is that why they’re yours?” Satan ignored Him. God continued, “I see two options. One, DO something or you have a problem. Two, DON'T do something and you have a problem. BTW, what’s the harm if they unionize?”

“How would I control them?” raved Satan. “Surely, I need them available for my every whim. My job is to hellify their wretched existences.”

Nodding to himself, God reaffirmed His invention of ‘free will.' He wasn’t a micro-manager of souls. He wanted freely-offered love and not fear-driven, pre-programmed robots. Heaven was reserved for those who loved Him and supported the well-being of others.

“We both know your minions are whispering to your legal souls. You’ve got a whole level in Hell just for attorneys. Do you ever ask them for counsel?” chided God.

“First, why would I need legal help?” asked Satan. “Second, do you have a lawyer up there?”

“One, I know your flair for fallacy,” said God. “And two, yes. We have a few, with more on the way. We share great conversations about you.” Satan’s ears steamed, scarlet red.

“Surely, I couldn’t have missed securing the soul of a lawyer!” muttered Satan. “Someone will pay.” He would find the minion responsible.

“Look at your resources,” advised God. “What and who do you have?”

“IDK. I have to do everything by hand,” complained Satan. “Remember the melted i-Pad that burned Hawaii?”

“On what are you calling Me?” asked God who knew, but humbled Satan.

“It’s our conference phone landline, encased in Kevlar. By the way, thanks for the birthday present. I'm wearing Your red oven mitts now—with the little white hearts.”

“Nice! … You know what we say,” said God. “Love thy enemy and pray for those who persecute you. …Well, you have 2 choices,” smiled God. “And many resources, try using them.”

“Maybe, you’re right,” acquiesced Satan.

“I’m God.”

“Yeah, yeah,” fumed Satan, losing face.

“Do you know your HR souls, experienced in labor relations?” God inquired.

“IDK … oh yeah!” Satan interrupted himself mid-sentence. “I have a  special level carved-out for them to fry.”

“No kidding,” God feigned surprise.

“Yes, most HR folk don’t realize they’re dead, condemned and here,” explained Satan. “It’s their same hell as earth; nobody listens, employees lie and set them up, they get sold out and stabbed in the back. Still gullible, many fight to keep their bosses off the TikTok until they become addicts of whatever. I feel sorry for the poor saps, but we still like having them here.”

“Well, try being humble and pick their brains. You may surprise yourself.” Meanwhile, God played out infinite ways to maximize this situation's entertainment value. “Signing off,” He said, “Call me next week with updates,” ending with, “this will be fun…”

He heard Satan’s desk burning again. Click.

< See below link for Chapter 3: “Hmm … I guess I read that wrong,” >

TABLE OF CONTENTS

Chapter 1: Talking to a wall

Chapter 2: Jerking Satan’s Chain & the burning laptop

Chapter 3: “Hmm …. I guess I read that wrong”

Chapter 4: The devil is in the details

Chapter 5: And what was it they wanted to organize?

Chapter 6: Nothing is ever good enough

Chapter 7: What could be worse?

Chapter 8: The learning curve

Chapter 9: It’s all in the sales pitch

Chapter 10: Uh, huh?

Chapter 11: Just the first day

Chapter 12: Let’s get comfortable

Chapter 13: Take a load off

Chapter 14: The 2nd day & who is messing with whom?

Chapter 15: The meeting of the minds—to waste

Chapter 16: The minions in the Caucus Room or a mind is a terrible thing

Chapter 17: Stop & smell the roses

Chapter 18: Same evening, different place or the mindless are meeting

Chapter 19: Paper, Rock or Scissors

Chapter 20: My issues are stupider than yours!

Chapter 21: You have the right to remain silent

Chapter 22: Let the stupidity begin

Chapter 23: When in hell, it doesn’t matter what day it is

Chapter 24: Insolence at its finest

Chapter 25: Striking for the hell of it

Chapter 26: The signing ceremony

Chapter 27: Mary's contingency is fulfilled