NEGOTIATING HELL: a sequel to CS Lewis' "Screwtape Letters." Ch 3-Satan misreads his souls

Ready?” asked Satan.

Satan and a few loyal minions flew to his level housing employment lawyers, HR and other personnel-related souls. Their current torture was “Wellbeing Washing.” In addition to their daily workload, today’s torture was exercise apps, fruit bowls and “Wellness Wednesdays." Eager to break from earning “bonus-bucks” for useless merch, they gathered to hear Satan’s newest assignment.

It stirred quite the buzz. The first questions they had were:

What’s in it for us?

Was travel involved? Expense acounts?

What was the promotion potential?

Was it paid? Was it hourly or salaried?

When were raise milestones?

What were the 'hidden' qualifications for the position?

When would the position be posted and closed?

Was it a permanent, part-time or full-time status?

Did it involve weekends, nights, and holidays?

On and on they went …

“What is it with these souls?” Satan grumbled. He might sputter and spew but why waste the calories? Surely, these mid-managers were known for expert cat-herding skills. Yet, they had been chewed out by both sides and lost their ability to care …

Everyone stood quietly and waited with glazed eyes. Ignoring them, Satan broke the news gently. He hinted at a few “minor” wrinkles from lesser fallen angels, seeking to organize a coalition. Satan was seeking advisory souls and perhaps a leadership team to counter this movement. The souls looked at Satan, at each other and then back to Satan. They busted out in a comedy-improv laughter.

“Stop laughing!” commanded Satan fiercely. It grew louder. “I order you to stop laughing!" Of course, they laughed all the more.

One soul spat out his coffee and mimicked Satan in a falsetto tone, “I order you to stop laughing!” The gallery exploded with glee. Another lady incontinenced herself. A third blew his nose. Satan, unaccustomed being the butt-end of a joke; screwed up his face and steamed.

Wait, were those real tears in his eyes?

Glaring, he announced, “Surely, I will banish you to the loneliest corner of hell where you cannot speak to or see another soul for a million years.”

An immediate clamor commenced as they formed a line. “Me first,” said one.

“No, I was in line first,” said another.

“Hey … I’ve been here the longest, so I deserve a private room,” yelled another. And so, it went.

As the mockingbird busted Satan’s chops further, Satan was shocked. Who wanted solitary confinement? What was happening?

Satan backed away. Stealthily, he and his loyal minions retreated as entitled souls negotiated and postured. Had Satan misjudged the situation? Then it hit him — they knew! The organizing minions had gotten to them first. They were all conspirators, and supported the union. He was belividly-flummoxed. Satan had no other choice but to reassess the two God-given options from their weekly, check-in phone call.

No one was on his side. As they flew away, even his most loyal minions were smirking …

TABLE OF CONTENTS

Chapter 1: Talking to a wall

Chapter 2: Jerking Satan’s Chain & the burning laptop

Chapter 3: “Hmm …. I guess I read that wrong”

Chapter 4: The devil is in the details

Chapter 5: And what did they want to organize?

Chapter 6: Nothing is ever good enough

Chapter 7: What could be worse?

Chapter 8: The learning curve

Chapter 9: It’s all in the sales pitch

Chapter 10: Uh, huh?