NEGOTIATING HELL: a sequel to CS Lewis' "Screwtape Letters." Ch 6-Satan needs help!

God and Satan were chatting on their hot lines. Satan’s was hotter than God’s.

“I’ve been thinking a lot about what You said last week,” said Satan. “When I asked HR, personnel and the employment lawyers to help with union grievances, they laughed at me,” said Satan, dejectedly.

The irony was completely lost on Satan. They may be guilty of other things, but not every HR rep tortured employees. Was Satan projecting his evil on others? “Really?” said God, acting surprised. “So, what did you do?”

“I threatened them with solitary confinement,” replied Satan. “They fought over who went first,” said Satan, sheepishly.

“What are you going to do?” asked God.

“Well, I need trusting souls on my side." He heard God laugh through the phone. Satan’s feelings were hurt but he continued, “we don’t have team players down here.”

“I’m shocked,” feigned God. “Maybe you need a disinterested party. You know, like a consultant.”

“A consultant?” Satan’s voice rose. “Where do I find one?”

God continued, “you so have them. If you zoomed out of your ego, you might see your smart souls. You weren’t the only leader who refused to serve.”

Satan was silent. “Got any ideas?”

“Yes, and you might even buy into it,” said God.

“What’s the catch?” Satan was suspicious.

“Why assume there’s a catch?” asked the all-knowing God.

“Because there is one.” said Satan. “Besides, as Satan, my glass is half empty. No wonder I'm forever parched.”

“Well, isn’t this a flicker of self-reflection,” declared God. “The catch is, I want something in return. But first, I need to lay some groundwork.”

Satan didn’t like the sound of that, but he knew God was decisive. Satan was running out of options. “So, let me have it.”

“I could loan you one of my personnel consultants,” speculated God.

The gears in Satan’s head burned as he salivated at a 'golf-gimme' soul. A chair spring popped and a wheel rolled away.

“I smell your radiator overheating, perhaps you need water?” laughed God. “Listen. This soul would advise and assist you. They belong to Me and are not available. Any shenanigans and the deal is off.”

“Do you really think, I would do something like that?” asked Satan, all shocked and hurt at the accusation. God cleared His throat, indicating that He did. “How about we make a deal, like with Job?” asked Satan.

“No can do. You had your chance with this soul and you failed,” smiled God. “This human will help navigate your union problems. Maybe they could organize your files, but it will cost extra. You forget who you have once you acquire souls. A data base might help.”

“See,” said Satan, “I knew there was a catch.”

“This person will counsel you in this crisis only, and then return to Me,” God asserted.

“Then why would I be interested?” smirked Satan.

“Simply put, you need help, and you can’t admit it,” God smiled. “Anyway, this person serves as a neutral party. They need to feel like they can give advice safely. If you don’t like what you hear, you cannot touch them. No harm must come to this soul. Understood? —I know how you behave when you don’t get your way.”

“How long can I have this person?” Satan hissed. “Assuming I say yes?”

“That depends on your cooperation efforts. If this individual has problems with your behavior, the deal is off,” warned God.

Satan spurted, sputtered and spasmed. He did not love the option; however, his situation was unmanageable. Furthermore, he didn’t like his actions called a behavior.

“I am having my legal eagles draft the contract,” God continued. “Again, this soul is off limits. The contract has no loopholes. If you don’t agree now, the deal is off the table. Then, you must deal with your growing union or unions, yourself.”

"I knew I wasn’t going to like this. Yes,” grumbled Satan.

“Call me next week to debrief,” said God, preparing to sign off.

“All right, all right,” pouted Satan. “Yes, I'll take them. Who is the poor guy who will assist me?”

“The person I have in mind is, a female,” replied God.

“Female?” cringed Satan. “Females are useless! My minions will eat her alive.”

“Take it or leave it,” said God.

“Alright,” recanted Satan dissatisfied, “when is she coming?”

“Drop your dragons, I haven’t her fiat yet.” said God.

“Fiat? Noooo! Not that 16-year-old Jewish girl again? The one with the long toes and heels of steel?” gasped Satan.

“Not that one, another one, “God soothed.

You haven’t told her yet? Is she still on earth?” said Satan, both shocked and disappointed. “How will you get her to hell?”

“It’s a 5-step process, but I digress,” God explained. “I will provide any equipment and supplies she needs. Meanwhile, you’d better get working on climate-controlled rooms for her.”

“Yeah, I’ll get right on it,” said Satan, wondering who would know how. Hell was, in fact, climate controlled to one temperature -- miserable.

God and Satan arranged another chat later in the week to discuss particulars. Also, Satan must ink the contract. He hated God’s perfect contracts. Satan’s were more fun and chaotic, laced with snares to lure greedy souls into fortune and fame.

Satan ordered workers to paint a room red, his favorite color. When the paint was dry, he set the temperature to a cool 150 degrees Fahrenheit. He window-shopped for red office furniture but decided against it. God might send it with the equipment and supplies. Besides—Satan had no idea what was needed. And he was chintzy—especially if it was, just a girl.

He thought, “what was it like being a girl? Was it like being a bug?”

< See below link for Chapter 7: “What could be worse?” >

TABLE OF CONTENTS

Chapter 1: Talking to a wall

Chapter 2: Jerking Satan’s Chain & the burning laptop

Chapter 3: “Hmm …. I guess I read that wrong”

Chapter 4: The devil is in the details

Chapter 5: And what did they want to organize?

Chapter 6: Nothing is ever good enough

Chapter 7: What could be worse?

Chapter 8: The learning curve

Chapter 9: It’s all in the sales pitch