NEGOTIATING HELL: a sequel to CS Lewis' "Screwtape Letters." Ch 8 -"The learning curve"

As Mary left God’s office, she watched the floor clean itself of lemonade and glass shards. Reading her mind, Seraphiel kindly shared how menial work is nonexistent in heaven. Mary contemplated her previous menial roles. Her most significant experience was labor relations. To be fair, all sides serve a valuable organizational purpose. While both needed each other, some would never admit it. In an impasse, each side threatened to take their toys and go home, to punish the other. Meanwhile, the company’s mission was at stake.

Those seeking ambition and power, pretended to monopolize the IQ, brains and intellect to make all decisions. These were bone-headed morons.

Some labor accused management of complicating employees’ lives, since they made the place function. Ergo, management was comprised of bone-headed morons.

Some management was convinced that labor’s sole purpose was collecting pay. Moreover, labor required a 4-week training course followed by 2-years of constant supervision to use a single machine. Some management thought labor was comprised of bone-headed morons.

All HRs were different, and some were worse than others. Sometimes, when HR was caught in the middle, they could make popcorn and watch to see who remained standing. HR’s purpose was hiring, protecting order and giving advice to management based on logic, ethics, policy and law.

Enforcing fair policies kept production lines and services, moving efficiently. If corners were cut, staff disrespected or rules broken; anarchy occurred and good workers left. Therefore, a solid HR protected solid employees. The exception was if management was incompetent. Managers are fallible humans, a fact with which HR textbooks ignore. In reality, anything goes which thickens our plot.

Mary tried to do the right thing. Mostly, Mary accepted others unless they blocked her lane or broke the rules. Mary was judged, despite being solid and doing her job well. Her proof was — well, lemonade. When she defended boundaries, she “screwed honest folk, sweating for bougie organizations.” She tried to find the good in others, but now she was nervous. Mary hoped hell was too big to intersect with previously disciplined co-workers. They were the reason she died young. Mary loved application reviews, hiring and rewarding employees fairly. But if an employee was captured -- on camera -- walking out with a set of computer speakers, it needed attention.

At investigation meetings, union reps would exaggerate employees’ infinite virtues and deny every vice. Every employee asked for a polygraph, for style points. It was a moot request, ignored and never done, due to court-inadmissibility. The employee would feign innocence despite the evidence sitting in their open backpack. As long as dues were paid-in-full, the union would fight, appeal, mediate, arbitrate, deviate then seek damages for pain, suffering and other drama. Firing was inconceivable per union bylaws. It ruined self-esteem and inflicted lifelong trauma.

Some management took the Alice-in-Wonderland approach, or “off with their heads” per the Queen of Hearts. Henceforth, the employee was deemed untrustworthy, disposable and devoid of credibility. Mary tried to be the voice of reason. Her advisor role was to review union bylaws and offer stepwise-designed discipline. If management disagreed, there were consequences, which meant more work. Consequences consisted of slanderous lawsuits to which she could pre-hear the defense …

“The audacity! Maybe they borrowed — “said speakers” — for a product evaluation project.

Their initiative to compare speakers on their own time, without compensation, was heroic!

Moreover, how can intent be proven when they never received permission-seeking protocols?”

Some judge would allow the case, and Mary would be asked to represent the organization, thereby practicing law without a license. This was how she and the union, came to understand courtroom proceedings. Union reps were excused from work and paid to watch—not a bad gig. Meanwhile, Mary’s workload multiplied, awaiting her return. When the hearing date finally arrived, it became a matter of pride. It didn’t matter if her orders were to win or else. The “or else” meant updating her resume. All, despite having advised a conservative approach, initially. It would be months before a decision was rendered. Daydreaming while in court, Mary would win the lottery and go read books on Caribbean beaches to speed up courtroom clocks.

Her few minutes in heaven were far more peaceful than Mary imagined. It was a relief to know that she had made it! She made a mental note to thank God. Meanwhile, His plan was anticlimactic and secretive. Soon, however, she would see how the other half lived. Mary knew difficult managers. She speculated which ones she might see again, now that she was coming to visit. Not just any hell, but the literal one with flames, bruxism, rap music and the never-ending political campaign ads.