NEGOTIATING HELL: a sequel to CS Lewis' "Screwtape Letters." Ch 16 -"Caucus room Christening"

After Satan’s dismissal, the minions built a couch/chair fort covered in fire blankets. Then, they dragged the furniture around in circles. Each minion wanted it staged differently. After another hour — they agreed to agree — that they could not agree.

Initially, their dopamine levels surged from the new furniture and frolicking thereupon. Now, their hormones bottomed out and energies scuttled. Dissatisfaction returned as they zoomed back into their present condemnation, disorganization and cramped morgue.

Moreover, what did Mary mean by ground rules? Then, each launched into personal questions and concerns. What did they expect to gain?

“Did you hear Mary’s disclosure?” asked the black minion. “We need to be careful. She works for Satan.”

Orange defended Mary, "brilliant thinking, Einstein. Except, we ALL work for Satan.”

“I listened,” sniveled Green. “But that doesn’t mean I understood."

Ignoring the chatter, Red reassessed the room. Everything was the same drab, gray. There were no accents, contrasts or pleasantries.

The walls were gray.
The ceiling was gray.
The floor was gray.
The grout between the gray floor tiles was gray.
There was a gray steel desk in the corner which no one noticed, until Yellow plowed into into it.

“This room is awful!” ranted Orange. “How are we supposed to have meaningful dialogue in such an appalling place? The color scheme does nothing to promote the creative processes necessary to prepare proper presentations of goals and objectives, in an effort to foster good relations for ourselves and our fellow minions.”

The other minions stared at him.

Orange droned on, “if Satan were here right now, I’d give him a piece of my mind.”

“If you had a mind,” said Green sarcastically. The other minions stared at Orange, suspiciously.

“What in the ‘here’ did you just say?” griped Yellow. “This is hell. Our vocabularies are mediocre at best. Who are you? Are you a spy?”

“What?” Orange translated. “I said, this room was uninspiring.”

Ignoring the others, Orange continued. “I’ll bet there’s tons of Feng Shui* practitioners here. In which block are they assigned?”

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* Specifically, the bible doesn’t mention Feng Shui, but it condemns divination and spiritualism. Heavily, Feng Shui features both. It claims to achieve balance and harmony by capitalizing on “chi” flow in isolated spaces. This ‘flow’ relies on divination, astrology and complex calculations to determine object placement. Feng Shui practitioners believe it’s healthy. Most Christians consider it demonic.

Source: Is Feng Shui Evil? | Christian Faith Guide
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“Are you kidding?” asked Yellow. “They’re on every level! It’s not just designers, but clients whose homes and offices we infiltrated and seduced. Feng shui is a vehicle for materialism, judging, envy and coveting, along with 1st commandment abuse. We have so many Christians snookered. Those in the know, bring priests or sprinkle that ‘acidic’ holy water.” They shuddered. Every minion suffered burns from holy water. They compared their scars like trophies.

Orange proposed, “what if Satan is playing mind games with us? As soon as we get settled, what if all furniture disappears? Maybe we shouldn’t get too comfortable?”

“We’re getting off track,” said Black and called them back to order. “We’re here to leverage better conditions for ourselves.”

“What about helping the other minions?” asked Orange seriously.

“Wake up,” snapped Red. “This is about mooching, slacking and offloading work. In hell, conditions are supposed to be cr@p. Our job is to brainwash idiots, like us, to permanently relocate themselves to this hellhole.”

Black tempted Orange, “why not have better cr@p than others? Since we’re shouldering the burden to unionize, we’re entitled to something. Meanwhile, we can’t have other minions know what we’re doing. We will tell them what we want them to think,” Black stated sanctimoniously. Confused, minions considered the 5-Ws of purposeful-secrecy and grew entangled in the complexities.

Meanwhile, Satan brooded over Mary-meeting implications. Moreover, he was furious about the furniture. Was he was losing his grip on hell? Aha! — he knew exactly what to do. He pulled the fire alarm. A screeching siren screamed overhead, signifying a minion formation. Like a pop quiz, Satan wanted real-time, soul-quota updates.

Yellow burst into tears. Never, had he met his quotas. Forgetting furniture and fearing fireworks; the minions ran screaming into the night, forever to be heard from again.

TABLE OF CONTENTS

Chapter 1: Talking to a wall

Chapter 2: Jerking Satan’s Chain & the burning laptop

Chapter 3: “Hmm …. I guess I read that wrong”

Chapter 4: The devil is in the details

Chapter 5: And what was it they wanted to organize?

Chapter 6: Nothing is ever good enough

Chapter 7: What could be worse?

Chapter 8: The learning curve

Chapter 9: It’s all in the sales pitch

Chapter 10: Uh, huh?

Chapter 11: Just the first day