Marriage 101

We threw together a salad for dinner with a couple of leftovers for sides. One of them was french fries that my husband had the night before from his dinner out. Throw them in the air fryer and they are good as new.

"Do you mind sharing those?" I asked him.

"I don't have to," was his response.

Whaaaat? I thought. He always shares everything!

So I tried it again. Same answer.

One thing I've learned from being married almost 44 years is that communication is key and, at times, can be a little complicated, so clarification is always best.

Sure enough, he was telling me that HE didn't have to have any of the french fries, i.e., "share them" with me, because he had the other side of mashed potatoes. 

Now that sounded more like him, and I'm glad I clarified because the french fries were very good indeed.

For those of you who are engaged or newly married, I hope you will remember this story, because there will be times that you must remember to ask for clarification, rather than stewing quietly about some presumed slight. 

I could have kept quiet and silently let my anger boil over, wondering why he was being selfish or doubting that I should have asked in the first place.

But why do that when all I needed to do was communicate effectively? He thought he was being clear, and technically he was, but sometimes the way men and women communicate needs a little help.

In the early years of our marriage I learned not to try to "read his face." I would think at times that he was thinking one thing by looking at his expression, but in reality he wasn't thinking what I thought he was thinking, at all. I learned quickly to tell him what I thought he was thinking, rather than presume I knew.

I was almost always wrong about what I thought he was thinking and my presumption was way off.

Just learn to communicate well with each other if you are engaged or about to be married. And if you've been married a long time and feel that you cannot communicate anymore, work hard to make sure you hear what the other person is saying and that you are being heard accurately.

At the base of all of this--and hopefully you didn't miss it--is don't presume negative things about your loved one. I know, for instance, that my husband is never selfish, so why would I presume he would be this time?

Your goal in marriage is to help each other get to heaven. You're not working towards that if you are judging your spouse, presuming negative things about them, arguing about trivial things or simply not appreciating the goodness in them.

I guess that's your marriage lesson for today. Hope it helps.

Pray for peace and an end to war.

Janet Cassidy
Email me at:  jmctm2@gmail.com

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