Sacredness in Ordinary Moments: Trust Trumps Fear - The second in a series of Porchlight Reflections

Yesterday, my boss said something that caught me off guard: people were still talking about a presentation I gave weeks ago.

A couple of months ago, he and other members of the church’s leadership team recognized a growing need to help staff understand that difficult conversations do not have to provoke fear, panic or avoidance.  They asked me to use my Human Resource experience to speak with the team.

Since it has been weeks now, since talking with the team, the feedback has been surprising.  I had hopes it would benefit a few, but honestly, it is clear that this discussion was a long time in coming.

At the heart of the discussion was this……..So many find it painfully difficult to talk with someone about uncomfortable things.  I called the discussion with the staff “Conversations that never happened”.  So much of my job involves misunderstandings, frustrations, hurt feelings, awkward moments and the conversations people are not having that they should be having.

Uncomfortable conversations are hard. But they don’t have to be.  We make them scary because we don’t want to hurt someone or we are afraid that what we say will result in a broken friendship or a tense relationship with our boss, or even make whatever the problem is worse than before we started.

Let me say this.  Talking is always better than not talking.  A growing or thriving relationship relies on trust.  And trust depends on honesty.  Most of us don’t avoid talking because we are weak.  We avoid it because we care about the relationship.   These discussions are hard because we are trying to do two things at once…be honest and preserve the relationship.

Let’s be honest…it’s likely that the conversation itself doesn’t make us anxious, it’s the build up TO the discussion.

We all do it.
We rehearse what we’re going to say 100 times before the discussion ever happens.
We worry.
We edit ourselves.
We lose sleep.
We make notes.
And in the end, the buildup is often worse than the conversation itself.

And when fear wins, the discussion may not happen at all.  That’s why it is critical we trust the relationship will survive whatever is said as long as we remember that the care we have for each other is more important than anything you might be afraid to say.

Silence isn’t neutral.  It actually creates its own problems.

Healthy relationships are built not on silence, but on communication.

As I realized that the best message I could share in this reflection is that trust trumps fear, it became plain to me that a tenderly held relationship, if real, is built on trust and no words should allow that relationship to break or fray.

And as much of WHAT two people say to each other is important, I KNOW that HOW they say the words and the TONE they use may matter more than the words themselves.  There is an art to it.  And those of us in HR tend to master this art over time, allowing conversations which are hard, to become easier to hear with practice.

In many ways adult suffering is not caused by screaming matches – it’s caused by things never said.  Many friendships fade because people don’t speak honestly.  Assumptions grow in silence and as a result families fracture.  Coworkers often develop a resentment instead of talking.

Many of us pray for peace while avoiding the conversation peace actually requires.  Christ never promised that truth spoken with love would always be easy, but He showed us repeatedly that healing often begins with encounter, honesty, mercy and staying present with one another.

Because so many adults don’t have the tools or don’t want to use them, they don’t know how to begin difficult conversations; how to disagree without feeling punished; how to be honest; how to say “I was hurt”; how to listen absent being defensive, or hanging in there instead of backing away.  Because of all this, silence is just plain easier for them, and then the silence evolves into loneliness.

I found a sense of peace talking with our team about these things.  It was like a window opened to many of them.  Giving them permission to be vulnerable.  Allowing them to realize that this fear of difficult conversations was something many of us quietly carry.  After talking through my thoughts, my hope was not to have the conversations for them, but to give them the confidence to have them on their own.  I also provided a small laminated card with tips to keep handy when it comes time to have a challenging or awkward conversation.

Trust really does trump fear.  Conversations are one of those ordinary moments when people can develop a quiet courage and know that the one they loved or trusted before the conversation, is still that same caring person they knew all along.

Sometimes before a difficult conversation, perhaps the simplest prayer we can offer is, “Come Holy Spirit.” Not for perfect words, but for gentleness, wisdom, patience and the courage to remain loving while being honest.

When we talk of the sacredness of ordinary moments, just talking with someone when it’s not easy, makes the conversation, in a way, “holy”.

So, when thinking about whether to have a tough conversation, first remember that they were your friend, your boss, or maybe your associate before you began speaking, and with the right tools, they still will be after you are done. 

Trust trumps fear every day and twice on Sunday.