Under His Gaze

I have been a Catholic my whole life. As a child, I received all my sacraments, knew all the words to my prayers, and understood the importance of attending church each Sunday.

I cherished being a mother and found my faith grew through the blessings of motherhood. But as I struggled with woundedness while juggling chronic health issues and a large family, my heart began to yearn for more, and my desire to become closer to Jesus intensified.

Jesus began to draw me, calling me to Him from the Tabernacle. One evening, I sat in tears on the floor before the Tabernacle. I cried out to Him, "This isn't enough!" I wanted more. I desired so much more that it caused a physical ache in my chest.

My mental and physical health were a mess.

I was often on medication to try to control my anxiety and depression.

At the beginning of 2020, I bought a book I had seen advertised ( I will talk more about that below ), which led me to join a Catholic community, Apostoli Viae, a private association of the faithful.

For the first time, I was truly learning about my faith and what it meant to have an authentic relationship with Jesus. I realized that I didn't have the relationship with Jesus that I desired, but that Jesus was patiently waiting and wanting to have that relationship with me.

Looking back, I now see how the Lord led me to a community where I would receive the formation I needed ( and continue to need ) to have the relationship with Jesus I desired.

When I joined the Apostoli Viae community, one of the first things I remember learning about was the importance of mental prayer.

I naively didn't realize at the time that to have this relationship with Jesus was going to require much healing, vulnerability, trust, and surrender.

My wounds had created a barrier, a wall, between Jesus and I. Learning to practice daily mental prayer was vital.

I read Dan Burke's book Into the Deep: Finding Peace Through Prayer, which helped me understand the importance of mental prayer and offered practical advice on committing to and establishing a daily prayer routine, a time and sacred space set aside just for Jesus.

Mental prayer has been crucial to my healing and my relationship with Jesus. Through the practice of mental prayer, I have learned to trust Jesus more, to lean into Him, and to turn up exactly as I am: vulnerable, anxious, tired, and a mess. The masks I have tried to hide behind have been removed, and the wall I had built has been knocked down, allowing Jesus to look down upon me during our time together. I allow Jesus to see me and know me as His beloved daughter. As I become more vulnerable, I come to know Jesus more intimately, as my vulnerabilities and trust in Him make more room in my life for Him.

The book I had bought back in early 2020 was "Spiritual Warfare and the Discernment of Spirits" by Dan Burke. In it, Dan discusses St Ignatius's rules of discernment and how to be aware and recognize if the voice is of God, the enemy, or our own. He explains what desolation and consolation are and what action we should take following Ignatius's rules.

I'll always remember how this book demanded my attention and how I was yanked to my feet ( in a spiritual sense ).

Tears were rolling down my face as Dan spoke about his childhood. It was the first time I had read or heard someone in the Catholic Church talk about abuse and trauma.

Dan's vulnerability stirred something inside my heart. God knew I needed to hear what Dan had to say. He also knew I needed a community rich in its Catholic faith and commitment to helping people in the church heal.

This book led me to join Apostoli Viae and begin my journey to healing and freedom in God's love.

St Ignatius's rules of discernment have taught me that.

·   I always need to be prudent. Urgency is not from God. When that feeling surfaces, I need to step back and pause.

·   The voice I hear in my head ( telling me I am a burden, unlovable, etc.) is most likely not my own.

·   The enemy HATES to be exposed to the light.

·   Being vulnerable and trusting a good and holy friend or spiritual director is vital.

·   The enemy is persistent, incredibly stupid, predictable, boring, and an imbecile.

·   Remaining consistent is the key (especially in desolation).

·   Being able to recognize the voices/ spirits by the fruits and to know what action to take (Be aware. Understand. Take action) has significantly helped reduce my anxiety levels.

·   Asking for prayers sooner rather than later is essential.

·   Consolations prepare me for the next round of desolations.

·   Desolation is an invitation from the Lord that can lead to more healing.

By practising mental prayer each day and learning the rules of discernment, my anxiety has become more manageable. I have learned to see the patterns and tactics of the enemy and where the enemy is trying to hide.

The book Spiritual Warfare and the Discernment of Spirits led me to a door God called me to open and walk through. Behind this door was an invitation from the Lord—an invitation to healing that has led to embracing my identity as a beloved daughter of God. Through this identity, I have found freedom in knowing to whom I belong. I still struggle most days, but the difference is noticeable as I look back over the years. Today, I know that I do not walk alone. I walk under His gaze, knowing that I am the beloved daughter of the Almighty King and that Jesus holds me close within His merciful and loving heart.

Recommended Resources

https://www.apostoliviae.org
https://spiritualdirection.com/deep/into-the-deep-videos-for-seek-2023 -( Sign up to receive notifications when Dan's new video series based on his book Spiritual Warfare and Discernment of Spirits will be available to view for free. )
https://sophiainstitute.com/product/spiritual-warfare-and-the-discernment-of-spirits/
https://avila-institute.org - (Allison highly recommends Dan's courses on Spiritual Warfare and Discernment of Spirits and Foundations of Prayer and Union with God.)

First published on Mustard Seeds And Wildflowers, Catholic Newsletter. Reprinted with permission.