Tips for Bringing Young Children to Mass Part 1: Let The Children Come

“We really should get back to church, it's just so hard with the kids.” A response I've heard countless times from moms of my generation. There is usually a sigh embedded in their statement somewhere between what their heart is calling them to and the challenges that come with it. I feel that sigh. I know that sigh. I've done that sigh. 

My journey back to the church started with solo trips to Mass. My husband and I were not practicing our faith, so it became an easy practice for me to leave our kids with him every Sunday and go to Mass. Slowly, I began to see the families in the pews around me and longed for that. I wanted my children to grow up knowing what I was just discovering. 

One day, I decided to bring two of my three boys with me, and it went about as well as any mother could predict. By the time I was approaching communion, squirming toddler on my hip, dragging my screaming three-year-old down the aisle with me, I was near tears. The scene led me to do the old “receive and leave.” A friend caught up with me in the parking lot when I finally broke down. After crying tears of frustration and humiliation on her shoulder right there in the parking lot, she helped me get my kids into the car. By that time, the rest of the parishioners began filing out of the church. A woman approached me. She told me she saw my struggle, and she wanted to let me know she's been there and it gets better. She also hugged me, and I found myself then crying on the shoulder of a complete stranger. 

An important detail to mention was the prayer I desperately prayed all through my struggles and humiliation during Mass that day. “Lord, use this. Use this suffering for good.” I called my husband from the car afterwards and told him the whole ordeal. His response shocked me. He said, “I will go with you to church from now on.”

As beautiful and miraculous as that was, it did not remove the challenges.  Yes, having my husband with me would immensely lighten the load, but how do we even begin taking three kids to Mass every Sunday who have never been made to go before?

 Fortunately, I have compiled seven tips you can use to help.

Prioritize a positive experience 

There is a profound beauty in the Catholic Mass that I’ve only come to recognize as an adult. But if we’re honest, unless you understand what is happening, Mass can be boring. This is especially true for young kids.  The overall theme is to make Mass as fun and engaging as possible. We want them to grow to see the pews like home: a safe, loving, and forgiving space. Aim for gentle correction over harsh discipline. All too often, we tend to do the opposite as we desperately grasp for control over our children’s behaviors.  

Lower expectations 

Kids will be kids!  In the spirit of fostering a positive environment, consider your expectations. Yes, I understand the need to keep the peace in the pew for the sake of those around you. We also want to raise our children to know what is and is not appropriate in church.  This means offering gentle correction while not allowing yourself to get upset when they act out.  Most people around you are going to be patient and understanding. In times of children fighting, toys being dropped, and meltdowns happening, you are likely more stressed out than anyone else around you. 

In the case of a total meltdown, we naturally want to keep the noise down for the sake of those around us. However, dragging a toddler, kicking and screaming, throughout the church could at times be far more distracting than handling the meltdown quietly in the pew. I’ve also found it to be something of a reward to my child for unfavorable behavior. Once they know the cry room or the foyer is an option, are they behaving in a way they know will bring them there? That being said, whether or not to remove them from the pew is something to weigh out for yourself, keeping these things in mind. 

More times than I can count, a family has approached us after a particularly challenging Mass and told us how it warms their heart to see our young family in church. Remember, if your church isn’t crying its dying. And anyone who does become upset with you for bringing your children to Mass, pray for them. They have problems of their own. 

What's in your Mass Bag?

Keeping the chaos down in the pew can be aided by bringing a Mass bag of things for your children to entertain themselves. However, it can just as easily add to the chaos instead. It is important to be very selective about what you pack in your Mass bag. My rule for my Mass bag is that the items have to be quiet and relate to why we are there. One thing we do not allow is snacks. Never have I found snacks on hand to be helpful in Mass. On the contrary, they tend to be more of a distraction. In our family, the snacks were typically dumped onto a pew, hardly finished, and caused arguments or begging for more. We bring books about the Mass, saint stickers, a Catholic coloring book, water-reveal books with biblical scenes, etc. 

I am also very selective when it comes to toys. Some have the potential to be quiet but end up encouraging their voice. For example, we had a few tiny Jesus figures in our bag. My boys are often running them along the pew, flying them in the air, or engaging in Jesus vs Jesus battles that become quite noisy. At this point, the toy is no longer relating to why we are there, nor is it a quiet toy. Toys I do allow are often Catholic busy books, fidget toys, and rosary chewies. 

One staple in our Mass bag is a Mass map I found online that shows the stages of the Mass. I printed and laminated it so we can use a dry-erase marker to keep track of where we are in Mass visually. This is particularly helpful when they start to get antsy or ask, “Are we almost done?” 

Practice silence and stillness 

Sitting still is a constant battle for kids and adults alike. We are living in an age of constant stimulation. Stillness is a dying practice. We’ve started to bring this practice back into our household. Every day before naptime, we all gather on one bed and set a timer. We started low, setting a timer for about 20 seconds. In those 20 seconds, everyone has to sit still and quiet. If they are successful, there is a small reward (sticker, jelly bean, chocolate chip, etc.). 

This practice at home will carry over into Mass. I have pulled up the timer on my phone in church and asked my boys to show me stillness when they seem particularly fidgety. I won’t say that it is always successful, but it is a work in progress that will improve with time and affect their own personal prayer life someday. Having the ability to settle our bodies and minds is crucial for deepening our prayer life.

Let them explore

As I mentioned before, this space should feel like home. I spent a period of my life away from the Church. I was lukewarm in my faith and living a secular life. Yet, I recall frequently going back to Mass on rare, random occasions. When I studied abroad in a foreign country, I attended Mass there. Why? Because it felt like home. What a beautiful thing to have your heart call you home to the Catholic church when there is a Catholic church anywhere you go. 

You can foster this feeling first by keeping it a positive experience, but also by allowing them to explore the environment. During the Mass may not be the time, but perhaps you could come early, stay late, or even attend daily Mass. Let them roam around, admire the windows, dip in the holy water, light a candle, just explore. This will tell them they belong here and they are welcome here.

Explain what is happening 

Anytime my oldest complains, “church is boring,” I agree with him. I tell him, “It is boring sometimes. Especially because you don’t understand all that is going on. But Jesus wants us there, and one day you will understand it all. Then it won’t be boring to you anymore.”

The more we explain to them what is happening in the Mass, the sooner it stops being boring and starts making sense. We make an effort to sit near the front. Not only to keep them away from the exit where they want to go, but also so they can see what is happening at the altar. I take any opportunity I get to explain to them what is happening. This could be short whispers in their ear if I catch them paying attention. It could also be the scavenger hunt for items around the church, using the books we bring or the Mass map. 

Positive Reinforcement  

Finally, we are not above bribery. Once again, the overall goal is to make Mass a positive experience. What better way than to offer positive encouragement? We swing by our local bakery every Sunday after Mass. Good behavior equals a treat. They know the treat is theirs to lose. They have three strikes, three chances to turn their behavior around. We tend to be very lenient on these strikes and always discuss their behavior (both favorable and unfavorable) in the car afterwards.

Fortunately, I can now affirm what the stranger in the parking lot told me is true: it gets better. And I'm happy to tell you, it gets better quickly. With consistency and both parents on board, children adapt faster than you could imagine.

 I would be remiss if I didn’t credit apologist Joe Heschmeyer from Catholic Answers. He advised a mother on one of their live streams on bringing children to Mass. Although I had already compiled my list of tips, they aligned perfectly with what he had to say. I find myself in good company, with the same advice as Joe Heschmeyer.

Bring your family to Mass. The Church needs them, and Jesus wants them. All of them in all their messiness and noise. Remember, they are only little for a little time.

“Let the children come to me, and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of God.” Luke 18:16