Chernobyl Diaper. Parental Joy. Fatherly Purpose.

Our Amazing Gracie had a "gift." Along with every other parent of two years olds on the planet, we were eager to get her potty trained. As were the garbage men. We were losing neighbors. The ozone was depleting. Al Gore was calling. You get the idea.

On this particular day my wife exhibited two, critical skills of extraordinary wives.

First, she demonstrated how to mobilize your husband without pushback. You offer the option of something absolutely ludicrous, followed by the thing you really want done.

On this particular day I was where many other men are on a Saturday afternoon: On the couch with my young sons, modeling for them how to advise a losing football team. Stephanie, my wife, got my attention: "Do you want to change Grace's diaper, or get some milk?" Expertly delivered. Obviously, there’s no real question there. I was out the door.

This was followed by a second, great skill of extraordinary wives. She demonstrated how to extract any information without washboarding, or weaponizing You-Know-What (which my wife has never done, but I include it here because reports of the same.)

Upon return from the store I was greeted with The Busted Look (TBL). You veteran wives know exactly what I’m talking about! TBL has the soul-sucking power of Dementors in Harry Potter. A husband finds himself pinned down, unable to move, invisible vapors pulling from his very soul… his memory… summoning from him everything she could possibly know, want to know, think, imagine or dream of him doing.

So there was I. Suspended somewhere between the front door and the fridge. Three gallons of milk dutifully in hands. Having just parried the merciless onslaught from checkout folks: “Dude, three gallons of milk? Why don’t you just buy a cow?” Helpless to the invisible, sucking power of TBL. My memory-search catapulted into a quantum hyperdrive search. I was coming up short.

Now men, if and when you find yourselves in such a situation, just accept that you’ve lost. Your only recourse is perfecting the “I Have No Idea What You’re Talking About Have Mercy on Me Look” (IHNIWYTAHMOML). Executed well, this appeals to a woman’s innate, feminine genius, her surpassing beauty and mystery, to all that is good and great in the world… in cryptic communication.

Here’s the beauty of the IHNIWYTAHMOML well executed: It will keep you from being executed. That, and it perpetuates an unfortunate myth about men’s communication skills: You don’t really need to know or say squat. Just translate the following into a sincere expression: “I have absolutely no idea what you know. Or think. Or imagine. But I know I should. And therefore, whatever that is, I fully confess! And I’m heartfully sorry for that! And anything else real or imagined that I’ve done, or will ever do! You are so pretty… honey. I love you?!”

Take heart men! Situations like these are given to make you a praying man, without which you’ll meet a Preying Mantis.

Thanks be to God, on this particular day, I pulled it off. Or rather, really meant it.

So the story unfolds.

As number eleven of twelve children, my wife, Steph, likely logged more hours of changing niece and nephew diapers than the nanny of King Solomon’s household. She was no stranger to diapers. But while I was gone she experienced a diaper of cataclysmic proportions. We’re talking a sirens blaring, fighter planes flying overhead, evacuate now, DEFCON 1, Chernobyl Diaper.

While diaper changing was an occasion for early, chastity formation (we would say saying things like “you are sacred and holy”), on this occasion, overwhelmed by this lowest rung of Dante’s Inferno, my wife reflexively exclaimed: "Grace, this is disgusting! You're old enough to use the toilet! You need to tell us when you have to go to the bathroom!”

Every mom understands that, right?

From the depths of this innocent, little creature, with her characteristically impish grin, came the unlikely words: "Holy Sh@$% Mom!" Shock and awe.

If that wasn't enough, likely spurned on by the look of horror and amusement she induced, our little angel added, "I smell like BLOODY HELL!” Pausing for effect, she put the last nail in my coffin: “Go ahead! Say it!... DADDY DOES!"

Nice. Ok, so I may have uttered those words once... or twice. As this story illustrates, marriage and family is God’s most powerful remedy to those who suffer from any delusions of holiness.

More directly, if “civilization passes by way of the family” (Pope St. John Paul II), this pronounces that marriage and family are God’s occasions for us to truly become what we are. To image Him. To participate in Him. To live Him. To become truly holy. To attain real life in this world and the next.

And now… the rest of the story.

As parents there is nothing we could ever say, no money we could ever spend, no home or neighborhood we could ever live in, no school we could ever choose… that surpasses the formative power of who we are.

By God’s design, our children are wired to follow us. Their future success as spouses, students, parents, professionals, human beings is shaped by who we are.

Stephanie and I are blessed to be parents of seven children (one of whom is in heaven) ranging in age from 18 down to 11. With the blessing of children our lives were dramatically opened up to a vast new horizon of responsibility. We literally became icons and instruments of God Himself. We were no longer simply responsible for ourselves. God vested in us His primary mission of paving their earthly and eternal destiny.

Further, this formative power and responsibility of parenthood is not simply an opinion. Whether you’re Hindu, Buddhist, Muslim, Jewish, Christian, Atheist, Narcissist, Vulcan, Paduan, Hobbit… the applicability of a parent’s power and responsibility is universal, for everyone, the truth of which is strongly validated sociologically, in human history.

Don’t let this become cliche: With regard to the formative moral and spiritual climate of our children, as parents we're either going to be a thermostat or a thermometer.

A thermometer is passive. It merely reflects the temperature around us. It’s worth considering: Who or what is determining the moral temperature of your home? What you watch, listen to, how you spend your time?

For a good number of us, we are not intentionally seeking to form disciples of Jesus Christ. And we’re often lulled to sleep by the whispers of Wormwood: “Look at them! At least you’re not allowing that!”

Yet, at the same time, so many parents are surprised that their children are inconsiderate, undisciplined, selfish, rude, given to self-indulgence, unkind, depressed….

As parents we are called to be thermostats. We’re given the power and responsibility to set the moral temperature.

Here’s the thing: Our children need more than parent-figures. They need real parents. They need more than once-in-awhile. This is a fearful thing. It is the measure of our success here on this earth. We can not give up or make excuses just because we fall short.

We clearly get and apply this in lesser matters. How would you respond in an interview situation: “How will you do on this job?” We would never simplyy say, “Ehh, I’ll do OK” Yet how often is this the response we’re giving to our ultimate job of parenthood?

We are challenged.

When we got married we accepted the simple, defining truth: Our lives are not our own. That means our money, sleep, energy, gifts, material possessions, time... not our own! Each child simply put an exclamation point on the end of that sentence!

And this stretching, self-sacrifice is not a dour thing, something to be endured! It is a God-given capacity for real and great joy. We discover ourselves only by giving ourselves away (Matt. 16:24). The most joy-filled people we know are those who live in this vision of self-gift. Self-giving love is the very purpose of family. Revealed in Jesus Christ, our very identity, definition and purpose is to pour ourselves out for the good of others. In this we become who we are. We Image the Trinity! God is made known to the world! Get IT?

On a practical level, such requires real resolve and discipline. Let me save you a lot of money and time. This main point summarizes every “great parent” book ever written: Expect them to do what they’re able to do. Every time. Without exceptions. Without excuses.

Let's get specific. As soon as they are able:
Expect they can know and live by an objective truth that defines and binds them and others.
Expect they can discover greater value in human interaction than in devices.
Expect them to make their beds well and keep their rooms clean.
Expect them to sit politely at the dinner table through the duration of a meal.
Expect them to engage in good, thoughtful conversations with peers and adults.
Expect them to be polite and respectful of everyone.
Expect them to be intuitive of the needs of others and give selflessly.
Expect them to read good books and to tell their own stories.
Expect them to be inquisitive about the world and their mission in the world.

Expect them to passionately pursue their mission.
Expect them to daily set aside distractions seek greater intimacy with God in prayer.
Expect them to understand all of life as receiving from the Giver and returning their gift.

Expect them to become saints.

I don't know how any parent, who truly understands the great nobility of parenting, could look at a stay-at-home parent and ask, "What do you do all day?"

With all due respect for those who truly need daycare (we didn’t have it with a number of children, and making less than $25,000), I have to echo the words of my brother-in-law: "We didn't have children for other people to raise them."

We need to look in the mirror and sincerely ask: Are we really sacrificing things for our kids, or sacrificing our kids for things?

What impact do your decisions right now have on your future generations?

There's a prominent study of two men and their known progeny. One of these men, Jonathan Edwards, was a man well known for his outstanding Christian character and conviction. The other, Max Jukes, was an irreverent drunkard.

Jonathan Edwards set the course for a U.S. Vice-President, 3 U.S. Senators, 3 governors, 3 mayors, 13 college presidents, 30 judges, 65 professors, 80 public office holders, 100 lawyers and 100 missionaries.

On the other hand, Max Juke's set the course for 310 paupers, who, combined spent 2,300 years in poorhouses, 50 women of debauchery, 400 physically wrecked by indulgent living, 7 murderers, 60 thieves, and 130 other convicts. The Jukes descendants cost the state more than $1,250,000.

Of course, it needs to be stated emphatically: With God’s transforming love and mercy, if you’ve inherited such a legacy, you can be His instrument of turning it all around.

In a particular way we need to consider what all the data says about the influence of a man.

A father’s presence is critical to the health and wellbeing of his children (link):

• 63% of youth suicides are from fatherless homes (US Dept. Of Health/Census) – 5 times the average.

• 90% of all homeless and runaway children are from fatherless homes – 32 times the average.

• 85% of all children who show behavior disorders come from fatherless homes – 20 times the average. (Center for Disease Control)

• 80% of rapists with anger problems come from fatherless homes –14 times the average. (Justice & Behavior, Vol 14, p. 403-26)

• 71% of all high school dropouts come from fatherless homes – 9 times the average. (National Principals Association Report)

In her book, Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters, Dr. Meg Meeker reports:

Daughters who perceive that their fathers care a lot about them, who feel connected with their fathers, have significantly fewer suicide attempts and fewer instances of body dissatisfaction, depression, low self-esteem, substance use and unhealthy weight.

A father’s personal faith has a formidable influence on the faith (eternal life) of his children (link):

• If a father does not go to church, no matter how faithful his wife’s devotions, only one child in 50 will become a regular worshipper.

• If a father does go regularly, regardless of the practice of the mother, between two-thirds and three-quarters of their children will become churchgoers (regular and irregular).

So God gives us a great design. The bar is set much higher than culture. It is the path to genuine joy. But seriously, how do we get there?

Let me conclude with a final, true story of what most inspires me.

41 years ago this very month, Michael and Joanne Wagner were on their way to the March for Life in Washington, D.C. It was 1976-- just 3 years after the Supreme Court gave individuals the right to end a child’s life through 9 months of pregnancy, for any reason. Joanne was a living sign, seven months into carrying baby number 13. For unexplained reasons, just past midnight as the bus made it’s way through Pittsburgh, at the young age of 39, Joanne died with her head peacefully resting on her husband, Michael’s shoulder.

Bearing a heartache I could never imagine, Michael returned home without the love of his life, having lost his 13th child, to face his other 12 children under the age of 18. He didn't make a dime over $25,000. Many relatives encouraged him to break up the family. He refused. While things were hardly perfect, many around him were stunned how he was able to provide for them, even to put every child through Catholic schools.

When my father in law later joined his wife in 1998, he left behind no worldly treasures to speak of, but what he did leave was of unsurpassing value: A legacy of faith-- a living example that what God calls us to, He will provide for.

Whatever challenges you face as a parent (and we all face many), know you are appointed and therefore anointed by a much greater God. Step in confidence. Trust in Him.

If any of the above speaks to you, please take a moment and answer this short survey on Spiritual Leadership in your home. See how other parents have answered. You’re not alone! Be united with other parents in making your home a saint-making culture alive in Jesus Christ. Get our free, new LiveIT app in Google and Apple stores. Find out more at MassImpact.us.

God bless you!