BREAKING NEWS on St Kilian's feast

A WÜRZBURG EVENING BROADCAST

ANCHOR (deadpan): “Good evening, Würzburg. Tonight we investigate a pressing theological mystery. Why do people confuse Killian’s Irish Red with St. Kilian and companion martyrs? Ladies and Gentlemen, here is what we know so far …

• One involved 3 missionaries who died for preaching the Gospel.
• The other involves a beverage that died in popularity after college ... ”

CUT TO: FIELD REPORTER, standing between a church and a pub.

REPORTER (serious): “Good evening, HQ. I’m here at the intersection of Happy Hour and Holy Hall, where the locals behind me insist both Killians are connected. They are not. While both are Irish, that’s apparently good enough for these Germans looking to celebrate." The crowd cheers.

The Beer

REPORTER: “Here are the facts. Killian’s Red is named after George Killian Lett, a 19th-century Irish brewer. He made ale. He did not evangelize Franconia in the late 7th century. He did not confront a powerful duke about an unlawful marriage. He did, however, confront the eternal question, “should beer be red?” And marketing said yes. Its color does not symbolize the blood of martyrs. Although these Bavarian pub crawlers may disagree.” The crowd boo's.

The Saint

REPORTER: “Meanwhile, St. Kilian and companions traveled across Europe preaching Christ. They converted Würzburg, challenging a powerful duke on his non sacramental marriage and were martyred on July 8 for defending canon law. He did not brew anything. He did not license his name to Molson Coors. He did not say, “this Gospel pairs nicely with a ruby ale.”

Camera pans across the crowd with raised tankards to honor the fallen martyrs. as they attempt an Irish toast.

CROWD (yells): “Aye me lads, to St Kilian and his cadre!” They toast, they drink and they spit foam.

Correlation ≠ Canonization

REPORTER (returning, still deadpan): “Experts say the confusion comes from Irish names and how humans assume that everything in Ireland is related. We are here tonight to reveal the true...” the crowd erupts …

CROWD (yells): “Aye! To yon viewers' health!” They toast, they drink & they spit.

Final Verdict

REPORTER (beginning to lighten up): So, to summarize: Killian’s is a red beer. St Kilian is a red martyr. One is found in pubs. One is found in cathedrals. If you confuse the two, please confess it to your priest. He may laugh or assign a stiff penance.

CROWD (yells): “Aye! To our news lads’ health!” A hand raises a steinkrug to the anchor’s mouth, as they make him drink. The anchor spits foam…

REPORTER (white moustache, coughing): For more on this story, stay tuned for our next segment; “why ‘Guinness’ is not named after a bishop.” Back to you, HQ!”

Prayer

O St Kilian, bold bishop so bright, who preached with a heart full of light.
Guide us each day, in the faith we obey, and keep us on course in our fight.
O St Colman, good priest full of grace, you served with a calm, steady pace.
Stand near when we pray, lest we wander astray from saving the whole human race!

O St Totnan, kind deacon and friend, whose service knew no selfish end.
Lift burdens we bear, with your gentle care. Remind us how God’s help descends.
Three martyrs who lived without fear. Whose courage still calls us each year.
Stay close as we roam, till we reach heaven’s home & bless us with sláinte and beer!

Sources

Catholic Encyclopedia. St. Kilian. New Advent. https://www.newadvent.org/cathen/08639a.htm

Catholic News Agency. St. Kilian. https://www.catholicnewsagency.com/saint/st-kilian-501 (catholicnewsagency.com in Bing)

Catholic Online. St. Kilian. https://www.catholic.org/saints/saint.php?saint_id=364

Vatican News. https://www.vaticannews.va/en/saints.html