The Joy of Agony

Jesus said in reply, “You do not know what you are asking. Can you drink the cup that I am going to drink?” They said to him, “We can.”

~Matthew 20:22

 The last few months of my father's life were brutal. Watching the most exceptional man I'd ever known wither away- sometimes painfully, sometimes fearfully- was an inevitable torture that I'd dreaded for decades.

Anyone who's accompanied a loved one in that last leg of their earthly journey knows that there are moments- hours, even days- when he/she can be so beautifully lucid or sadly concerned or helplessly struggling. There are moments that touch the deepest niches of one's heart in ways that cannot be described. Precious moments that, even in our grief, we know to be the most intimate blessings that God has gifted us.

There are so many ways we can lose someone close- death, estrangements, divorce, job transfers/changes, etc.

Whether it's a separation that marks the end of a journey together or something as indefinite as the on-again-off-again daily grief experienced as we lose a parent or spouse to dementia, the bitter end always leaves behind a sweetness that is ours alone to savor.

Even in our own hours of need- injury, illness, danger or desperation- we find ourselves lifted by the actions, words, thoughtfulness, prayers, and love of others. We find ourselves stronger than we thought we could be and we learn how quickly the things we thought were so essential can just fall away- leaving behind the faith, hope and love that are all that really matter.

 So faith, hope, love remain, these three;  but the greatest of these is love.

~1 Corinthians 13:13

 Sometimes our pain is borne of another's grief. We know parents who've lost children, grandparents who've watched their own child lose a child. What greater anguish, we wonder, could there be? Yet, as we watch them wipe away their own tears and remember the child they got to hold or didn't get to hold, there is a twinkle, still, in their eye. They hold something close and hard within their fist and against their chest. They hold a treasure for which they are ever grateful in some way or another. They have something more special than they ever expected and they have it forever.

Can there be joy in agony? Are we blessed in our sufferings? I know I have been. I know that something mighty and profound happens when I am broken open by tragedy. I grab onto the Lord because I know He's there with me and He grabs onto me because I am more ready than at any other time to let Him carry me without resistance. And in His arms I am not restored, I am remade. For what? He'll let me know. But whatever it is, it's mine and mine alone to hold onto in my grief- to keep in memory of what I've lost and in anticipation of the life to come.

Lord, help me to appreciate my own suffering as a means of alleviating even a small measure of the burden my sins have placed upon the back and shoulders of Your Son, our Lord, Jesus Christ. Give me the heart and mind, open my eyes and ears and show me the freedom from all anxiety that is found in offering each of  my sufferings as a real and holy acceptance of Your will. I know that You alone make all things good and that Your plans pertain to all eternity. I thank you for the precious moments that only You can provide. I thank you in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit. Amen.