PRODIGAL SON ARTICLE
An Essay on Grief
Photo by K. Mitch Hodge on Unsplash
Paul Jordan – on managing grief
Being different, in any way, makes you more susceptible to others’ misunderstandings and your attempts to conform with others can be ridiculed and misinterpreted. I was born at 26 weeks in 1983, and suffered a stroke due to differences in blood pressure and temperature and it resulted in a ventriculo-peritoneal shunt being inserted (this device, incidentally having been invented by my grandfather’s neurosurgeon cousin), right-side cerebral palsy and autism due to the rewiring of my otherwise damaged brain.
After years of obsessions, not being able to take other , people’s points of view, and sensitivity to cold, heat, noise and other sensory sensitivity, plus auditory hallucinations which I did not know at the time were due to alcohol swilling around the tissues of my damaged brain, which caused a lot of anxiety and alcohol use, including failing my studies because of knowing this. A friend encouraged me to see a psychologist. She was retired psychology professor and faculty dean, whom I had to seek out for help after the grief of falling out with my then best friend during university caused me to start drinking alcohol to numb the distress rather than accepting it. The retired professor was born in 1930 and her name was Rhonda – as in Help Me Rhonda.
An overview of what she taught (cognitive defusion, and expansion – breathing into tension) is based upon Relational Frame Theory.
Autistics are prone to anxiety because their amygdalae – the structures that process emotions – are larger than normal. I underwent psychotherapy - Acceptance and Commitment Therapy - delivered by a retired professor and faculty dean. This therapy was invented by Professor Steven Hayes of the University of Nevada in 2000 and focuses on accepting what is happening, identifying negative thoughts and feelings for what they are and breathing into tension until it dissipates. These are the exercises I do daily to manage my innate anxiety.
The theory behind this is Relational Frame Theory. Basically, one thing is related to another based on contextual cues not physical properties. The cues are personal – I and YOU, spatial HERE and THERE and temporal NOW and THEN. This is called the Barnes Holmes protocol, invented by Irish husband and wife psychologists Dermot and Yvonne Barnes-Holmes in 2004. The following, which is my own work, demonstrates how I learned to take perspective in psychotherapy. Autistics can learn to take perspective using the phrase I AM YOU, AT THE SAME TIME, YOU ARE ME. This is how I manage my autistic anxiety and solitude, and rewired brain which results in a photographic memory.
A more formal may of setting this out and training the autistic in taking others’ perspectives:
Here is the protocol to teach perspective taking in language which I simplified. This is particularly useful for autistics:
Suppose I have an apple and you have an orange. Imagine I were you and you were me. Now tell me what I have and what you have.
A:
a. it is like this:
b. I have this something X
c. you have this other something Y
d. I want you to think that it is like this:
e. I am you
f. at the same time, you are me
i. because of this, I want you to say to me what you have
j. because of this, I want you to say to me what I have
I am standing by the yellow door and you are standing by the brown door. Tell me where I am standing and where you are standing.
B:
a. it is like this:
b. Now, I am standing (M) at the yellow (M) door (M)
c. At the same time, you are standing (M) at the brown (M) door (M)
c. I want you to say to me where I am standing (M) now
d. I want you to say to me where you are standing (M)
I am standing here by the yellow door. Imagine that I am you, and you are me. Also imagine that here is over there, and over there is here. Tell me where I am and tell me where you are.
C:
a. it is like this:
b. I am standing (M) here at the yellow (M) door (M)
c. I want you to think that it is like this:
d. I am you
e. at the same time, you are me
h. at the same time, here is another place
i. at the same time, another place is here
j. because of this, I want you to say to me where I am
k. because of this, I want you to say to me where you are
Suppose that yesterday, I was reading and that today you’re watching TV. Tell me what I did yesterday and what you’re doing today.
D:
a. it is like this:
b. the day (M) before this day (M), I was reading (M)
c. today (M), you are watching (M) television (M)
d. because of this, I want you to say to me what I was doing before
e. because of this, I want you to say to me what I am doing now
Suppose that yesterday, I was reading and that today you’re watching TV. Imagine that yesterday is today, and that today is yesterday. Tell me what I was doing yesterday and what I am doing today.
E:
a. it is like this:
b. the day (M) before this day (M), I was watching (M) television (M)
c. today (M), I am reading (M)
d. I want you to think that it is like this:
e. now is before
f. at the same time, before is now
g. because of this, I want you to say to me what I was doing before
h. because of this, I want you to say to me what I am doing now
Suppose that today, I am standing by the yellow door. Yesterday, I was standing by the brown door. Imagine that here is over there and over there is here. Tell me where I am standing today and tell me where I was standing yesterday.
F:
a. it is like this:
b. today (M) I am standing at the yellow (M) door (M)
c. the day before this day I was standing (M) at the brown (M) door (M)
d. I want you to think that is like this:
e. here is another place
f. at the same time, another place is here
g. because of this, I want you to say to me where I am standing (M) now
h. because of this, I want you to say to me where I was standing (M) before
Suppose that today, I am standing by the yellow door. Yesterday, I was standing by the brown door. Imagine that here is over there and over there is here. Also imagine that today is yesterday and yesterday is today. Tell me where I am standing today and tell me where I was standing yesterday.
G:
a. it is like this:
b. today I am standing (M) at the yellow (M) door (M)
c. the day (M) before this day I was standing (M) at the brown (M) door (M)
d. I want you to think that it is like this:
e. here is another place
f. at the same time, another place is here
g. at the same time, now is before
h. at the same time, before is now
i. because of this, I want you to say to me where I am standing (M) now
j. because of this, I want you to say to me where I was standing (M) before
The trick is to realise that if X was Y and Y was X it means the same thing. After a while, perspective taking becomes like flicking a switch. However, to do so instantly, not when you start having a conversation is to memorise the phrase
I AM YOU, AT THE SAME TIME YOU ARE ME, This refers to the voice, because this is what you hear when you close your eyes and say this sentence. This also does not contribute to having an ego. Most people (allistic or non autistic) learn perspective by impersonating workers during role play when they are children. They have to pretend to do what the other person does because their brains are wired to innately read body language and facial expressions. Autistics listen to voices and words, so that is how they take perspective – verbally.
Once an autistic can do this, typically they have shorter grieving periods, and go from dismissing the significance of someone’s death to offering condolences. I am a Catholic, and God is the first cause of everything (nothing causes itself and God is subsistent existence). We exist because we are loved, and live eternally. That is the consolation after death. However, in 2018 I lost six friends and relatives, and most of the young women I met were totally unsuitable for romance or marriage and I matured late, after Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, knowing that I could look after children and be a father. I have fallen out with some and I regret it, but they did not require me in their lives.
