Are You An Awkward Mother? Navigating Parenting a "Different" Child

What is an awkward mother?  She is the mother who gazes devoutly at a serene image of Our Blessed Mother holding the contented Infant Jesus on her lap, thinking, “I am the mother whose  child will not sit, anywhere,  for more than five seconds.”  She is the mother who may have only birthed  two children, but their needs are to “the exponential power of three.”  She is the mother who other mothers look upon with mild pity, as their brood of six (or more) sweep into church in height order, every hair in place; and remain intent on the liturgy for the entire Mass. She is often the mother of a child with an eccentric  personality and neurologically challenging quirkiness.   However, she is also the mother God chose from all time to bear a particularly detestable  type of suffering for the salvation of souls and good of the Kingdom.  

 
Many Saints throughout history were “awkward” mothers.  St. Matilda, patroness of parents who have difficult children, was born in 896 AD.  Raised in a convent by a saintly grandmother, Matilda was married at only 15 to Henry Fowler, Duke of Saxony.  Henry admired his wife and eventually rose to be Emperor of Germany.  Matilda, though, preferred a life of service to the poor, sick and imprisoned rather than serving as royalty.  Her sons, Otto and Henry,,  though seemed destined to be embattled with each other for power and the throne.  It took tremendous begging by Matilda to hold back a vengeful hand of Otto against his brother at one point.  

 
Still both sons resented Matilda’s charitable spirit, and she eventually removed herself to the countryside.  Soon, Henry was rebelling again against Otto, who at that time was crowned the head of the Holy Roman Empire.  It would prove too late and too little for Matilda to save her son from Otto’s wrath. After relinquishing any and all property, Matilda spent her last years offering prayers and sufferings for the salvation of her sons, one post humorously.  

 
Of course, the story of St. Monica, mother of St. Augustine tracks the many episodes of maternal concern about the well being and soul of her highly intelligent but obstinate son.  For many years, he rejected her values, and certainly there must have been times when St. Monica was tempted to despair.  We know how the story ends, but that should not ignore the hundreds of hours devoted to imploring God to help.  Moreover, like any troubled mother, St. Monica likely wondered what she had done wrong or why she could not find the right way to correct past errors.   Perhaps she brooded about the influence of her pagan and emotionally charged husband.  (Wives and husbands often blame each other or their own spousal choices for later challenging children.)

 
St. Clotilda of France, like St. Matilda coped with both warring relatives and three sons in regular battle with each other.  Despite equitably dividing the kingdom among them at her husband Clovis’s death, the eldest son died, and the other two killed their brother’s heirs—in front of her.  Her final trial was when the end of her life, she learned her surviving sons were to fight each other, she spent the entire night praying.  A hailstorm forced both armies to withdraw, a final success as a peace maker.

 
However, less anyone think only mothers of sons so endure erratic behavior, girls can present with their own challenges.  St Zelie Martin had her hands full with her daughter Leonie who, despite so many attempts by her mother and sisters to help her regulate her irascibility and focus on learning, lamented an inability to completely conquer her temperament.  After decades of prayer, Leonie was finally accepted into the Visitation order, but she wrote of her continuing wrestling for victory over nature.  Her more well known sister, St. Therese of Lisieux persisted with steady, stable spiritual direction, and Leonie persevered.  Today, Leonie, is best recognized as Servant of God, Sister Francoise-Therese.  

 
In the 21st century, we can name many heroically Catholic women who bear the crown of “awkward motherhood” but with prudence and fortitude, focus on ensuring their families cope with differences in a way that upholds the Faith in Hope.  It may be a peculiar white martyrdom, but sacrificial even so.

 
Ginny Kochis, author of Quirky Catholic Kids:  Navigating Neurodivergence with Faith and Joy, has mothered challenging children for twenty years and observes:  “typical and holy are not always the same.”  She adds, “When you are in the thick of impulsive behaviors hour-long meltdowns, or intrusive thoughts, it’s hard to find the beauty in the mess.” (pg.4)

 
Much respected teacher, speaker,  and published Catholic author, Dr. Ronda Chervin, bares her whole self in Escaping Anxiety:  Along the Road to Spiritual Joy.  If you are an awkward mother, you will find your soul sister in her journey. To benefit others,  Ronda breaks all rules of confidentiality for herself, as she discloses personal sessions with her spiritual director, Albert E. Hughes, as she confronts her obsessive anxiety.  Critical to note is that this anxiety manifested itself in anger, a “lion she had to tame within”—the subject of another book—but that this was generated by her family and childhood that then also impacted her adult choices.   The fact is that the vast majority of us are most imperfect, but when we share our trials we can exhibit a special love for others and give them that boost they need to “carry on.”  Personally, these are the testaments that have most helped me in the past forty years, and much more so that the most serene saints.  

 
Moreover, Catholics—clergy laity, and  peers—who assume disordered thinking children are the consequence of “poor parenting” sting the most and can induce unnecessary angst in families already self conscious about an unusually behaving child.  While we can all agree that striving for virtue and instilling such in our children is non-negotiable, when a child does not “filter” or “translate” teaching or directions well, typical catechesis and parental guidance may be inefficient or ineffective.  What to do?

 
Definitely seek professional help, Catholic guidance, and, most importantly, camaraderie with other parents confronting similar challenges.   Note the there are literally hundreds of resources—including  Catholic!—to embrace you and motivate your child to become a saint.   Most importantly, do not lose hope or trust and pray even when—or especially when—you have reached the end of your patience.   This may take a lifetime, and like St. Zelie, parents may not live to see the “miracle.”  Too, when tempted to hide your children in the house, move to another city, or feel resentful towards or flee from those who do not understand or cannot relate, Our Blessed Mother is very close to you.   Yours is a difficult cross, but also one, if borne with grace, becomes a precious crown in eternity.   Finally, keep a sense of humor.  Quirky is just another word for extraordinary.    At least that is what I tell myself.