Am I Venting or Gossiping?

Am I venting or gossiping?

My husband and I have the conversation often, asking each other, “Is this gossiping?” Sometimes we're talking amongst ourselves, sometimes with another person, sometimes in a group and sometimes in large groups. We often tease that if we fail to attend an event, we risk becoming the topic du jour. 

There are many times, whether we mean to or not, when our thoughts and words turn to other people's actions, situations, problems, etc. Whether it's one-on-one or among friends or in a crowd, we often find ourselves speaking about the folks who aren't in the room. 

We may be the one to start the conversation, may overhear or stumble upon it. Sometimes, we're sucked in by circumstances. We may find ourselves hesitant at first, then more willing as things heat up. We may feel guilty either for speaking, listening or both. And if that's the case, it's probably not a discussion that's positive in tone. It's probably not well-wishes or kudos for a job well done or a turn of good fortune.

I once heard someone say that gossip is black magic- that it seeps into people's brains and hearts and changes how they see or react to someone else. I find this to be quite the accurate assessment. Unlike planting the kind of good seed the landowner sows in the wheat field, gossip is planting weeds like the enemy (Matthew 13:24-30). It spreads and tangles and strangles. And, even when pulled, its roots can remain to regenerate and resurface at a later time.

So, are we wrong to mention others in our dialogues? Are we bound to saying something nice or saying nothing at all? Let's face it- there are times when the behaviors of others are really going to bother you. There are instances where you need to get something off your chest. There are also concerns for certain behaviors or actions that are just not right. There can be things another does that cause injury to others, do damage to a community or invite danger of some kind.

So when is it gossip and when is it venting? We've come down to one simple rule of thumb by which to help us distinguish the two at our house. We ask ourselves, “What is my intention?” 

Am I venting…

• Concerned for another
• Worried about an outcome
• Seeking advice
• In need of a sounding board
• Desiring a solution

No foul language should come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for needed edification, that it may impart grace to those who hear.                                                                    ~Ephesians 4:29

Or am I gossiping…

• Seeking to gain something
• Meaning to harm a reputation
• Enjoying a scandal
• Desiring to affect another's opinion
• Trying to elevate myself

 If anyone thinks he is religious and does not bridle his tongue   but deceives his heart, his religion is vain.                              ~James 1:26

There is no reason to feel guilty or beat ourselves up for well-meaning discussions. There is a time and place for misgivings, for getting one's own side of a story across, for alleviating anxieties, the planning of interventions and even righteous anger.

But when we want to affect another's success or increase our own value at their expense or listen in on the juicy details to feel better about ourselves, we should stop and recognize our own fault there. 

If we determine that we are, in fact, gossiping, then we are saying more about ourselves than the other person. We are also signaling to those around us that we cannot be trusted to stand up to such chitchat… that the grapevine we cling to is not the one Christ had in mind.

Let us be watchful and guard our tongues. Let us pray that we avoid the temptation to use our platforms to spread ill-will. And let us have the temerity to walk away from the prattle and become deaf to calumny.

 I tell you, on the day of judgment people will render an account for every careless word they speak.                                      ~Matthew 12:36