Red Flags in Discerning Religious Life

There have been a number of young women over the years who have reached out to me asking if I could offer any advice with regards to knowing any red flags or warning signs when it comes to discerning a vocation to religious life. Thankfully, discerners are becoming more aware of abuse in religious life, and understand that although it is beautiful to desire to give one’s life fully to Christ and His Church, they must also be prudent. It is unfortunate that many religious communities today consistently fail to bear fruit and instead suffocate or harm those being formed, this reality reflects Jesus’ Parable of the Sower.

As Jesus Christ teaches, seed that falls among thorns does not die because it lacks life, but because the environment chokes it before it has the opportunity to grow. Jesus’ words are analogous to the many women who enter religious life with a sincere desire to become a bride of Christ, yet find themselves spiritually stifled by fear, excessive control, manipulation, gas-lighting or superiors who are more concerned with preserving authority than nurturing holiness. When blind obedience replaces discernment, silence replaces truth, and control replaces charity, the Word cannot take root. Over time, the lack of peace, joy, and authentic love reveals that something is wrong at the foundation, not with the novices themselves but with the soil meant to form them. When a healthy tree bears good fruit, and when a community repeatedly produces wounded and broken souls, it gives clear evidence that reform is needed, for God never calls someone to a vocation to religious life only to destroy her interior life.

These are the major red flags that I offer to women to be aware of when they are discerning a particular religious community:
 
1. Outdated or Sparse Online Presence

When a community’s website has not been updated for years, such as having only old pictures, formation photos that are outdated with postulants and novices who are now finally professed, or pictures without any women in formation at all, it’s a subtle sign that the community lacks newer vocations, only has a few in formation, or does not bother to put any of the women in formation on their website because most of them will never make it to final vows. A living, thriving community usually wants to share what God is doing among them, even in small, humble ways. A static or outdated online presence may point to disorganization, lack of communication, or reluctance to show current reality.

2. Few (or No) Women in Formation

While numbers alone do not determine holiness, a consistent lack of new vocations or a pattern of women entering and quickly leaving can signal deeper issues. Healthy communities provide an atmosphere of peace, joy, and freedom that naturally attracts and sustains new members. When there is a revolving door of postulants and novices, it may indicate that women are encountering unhealthy dynamics once they enter, perhaps excessive control, spiritual manipulation, or emotional abuse. It is worth asking not only how many are entering, but why so many leave, although most communities make every attempt to hide how many sisters have left. My former novice director of the Parish Visitors of Mary Immaculate had me cut out the pages from their newsletters of the sisters who had left over the years because they kept the newsletters in the formation house, and they did not want new women who entered to know the truth, that the community does not keep most vocations.

3. Carefully Cropped or Ambiguous Photos

Sometimes a community’s public images speak volumes. Photos showing the backs of sisters, long-distance group shots, or obvious re-use of old images may be attempts to hide the community’s current state, perhaps aging membership or sisters who have left. While privacy is understandable, deliberate concealment suggests a lack of transparency. Authentic religious life does not need to pretend; it radiates truth, even when small or fragile. Those of us who have been in formation know that they always have the postulants and novices stand at the sides for pictures so that they can easily crop you out later, and they do just that when they later post the photos to their website or any other promotional material for their community.

4. Lack of Transparency About Leadership or Daily Life

When communities are vague about who the superior is, how decisions are made, or what daily life actually looks like, discerners should take notice. Remember, the pictures of them smiling on their website or magazine is usually posed and not real. You literally always have to smile, and are not allowed to show in public any other emotion. I recall when my former superior’s uncle died she actually apologized to us in formation for showing sadness. Religious sisters are only permitted to grin and bear it. We were trained by our directress how to fake a smile and rid our faces of any sign of tears if we had been crying. The photos of us smiling with the snowman next to us, that was not real. After shoveling snow constantly throughout the day when we were exhausted and freezing because there could never be any snow accumulation to the area you were assigned to shovel, we were told to build the snowman for the photo-op.

Abuse often grows in environments where power is unchecked and information is tightly controlled. If the leadership is always the same in a community where all of the women every several years are just continuously switched around to different positions, that is a major red flag. Ask for clarity about how the community is governed, who provides oversight, and what structures exist for reporting concerns, if these questions are met with defensiveness, that itself is telling.

5. Pressure, Idealization, or Guilt

Spiritual abuse often disguises itself as zeal. A warning sign appears when discerners are told things like “You belong here because we only accept those who will be saints, don’t question God’s will,” or “We really like you, we aren’t like the secular sisters, we promise.” In my personal experience, and from listening to the testimonies of other women who have left the convent, the sisters who hide behind a religious habit seem to be far more abusive and dangerous than the ones who wear secular clothes. Too many Catholics are oblivious to the truth because of a traditional habit and a smile. Again, the truth is that not all is as it seems. Christ calls His brides in freedom, not fear, and many supposedly conservative communities hide abuse very well behind the convent walls. Abuse absolutely occurs in less traditional communities as well, but it seems much more transparent.

6. Patterns of Turnover and Hidden Wounds

Sadly, many communities exhibit a revolving door of members with women who enter full of hope and leave wounded, sometimes silenced. This pattern is not a coincidence. It often reflects deep problems in the community’s formation of young women, such as authoritarian leadership, lack of psychological maturity, suppression of individuality, or misuse of obedience. When a community continually loses members without honest reflection or accountability, it is a serious warning sign. A Christ-centered community learns from departures; an unhealthy one blames or erases those who leave. I belonged to the latter. And the Vatican is not even aware of the amount of women that come and go because as I was told by my novice director “We don’t have to report novices because they are not a member of the community.” Women continue to get hurt over and over again and nothing is done to stop it. There seems to be a lack of accountability when it comes to religious sisters. Women who desired to give their lives wholly to God keep getting fed to the wolves.

Red flags do not necessarily mean a community must be totally corrupt, but they do reveal where healing and reform are needed. Women who feel called to religious life need to discern with eyes wide open. They love the Church deeply, but cannot mistake abusive women for holy religious sisters. A habit does not by default equate to holiness. Too many Catholics have no issue pointing fingers at the Roman collar, but not at the veil. Abuse occurs not only in the priesthood.

Christ does not call women into religious environments of secrecy or harm. He calls them into truth, into communities where charity, freedom, and accountability allow love to flourish. If a community cannot bear the light of transparency, it cannot claim to reflect His Heart. Sadly, I have yet to come across a religious community that I absolutely know without the shadow of a doubt is a safe community where women can grow in holiness and love for the Lord. I have heard unfortunately far more testimonies from women who have been in unhealthy and dysfunctional communities who know how to put on a good show for the outside world, even being able to pull the wool over the eyes of the priests and bishops who cannot possibly think ill of the dear holy and joyful sisters. Many are sadly deceived and do not realize it.

True discernment, then, is not about chasing an idealized and romanticized image of religious life, but about seeking where Christ is really alive amongst a community who truly has Christ at the center; where joy and peace are authentic, where leadership listens, where women are free to grow, and it is there that the Bridegroom waits. However, I am not sure where that is today.

Pray that more young women will be able to follow their hearts and answer the call that God placed within them, and that those of us who lost our vocations to the religious life did not lose our vocations for naught. We will keep speaking the truth, and hope and pray, that one day there is real reform in religious life. May God bless those of you who are discerning religious life, and I hope you find a true and genuine community that lives as authentic brides of Christ.

Originally published at Called to Love / Christina M. Sorrentino