Asking the wrong questions

     What’s in it for me?  Unfortunately, this question has become the first one that many people ask before they get involved with some other person or some thing.  While the question seems to be far more widespread today, it is not new.  Many years ago, after apostles asked Jesus who can be saved “Jesus looked at them and said, ‘For human beings this is impossible, but for God all things are possible.’  Then Peter said to him in reply, ‘We have given up everything and followed you. What will there be for us?’”

     Indeed, “Social Exchange Theory” is a sociological and psychological theory that explains relationships in the same way that people choose whether or not to buy something…”Is the value of the item worth the cost to me?”  Questions like “What am I getting out of being with this person?” and “What is it costing me to stay in relationship with this person?” dictate our actions.  If I’m getting more out of it than I am giving, I stay…if not, I leave.  Pretty simple.

 
     There are other questions that are variations of this self-centered theme.  “Why should I forgive and how many times?” It is once again beloved Peter who has another question: “‘Lord, if my brother sins against me, how often must I forgive him? As many as seven times?’  Jesus answered, I say to you, not seven times but seventy-seven times.’” (Matt: 18:21-22)

 
     The irony, of course, is that compassionately caring for others and forgiving has the greatest of all benefits for ourselves.  In the follow-up to their discussion about forgiveness, Jesus tells Peter this story:  “That is why the kingdom of heaven may be likened to a king who decided to settle accounts with his servants. When he began the accounting, a debtor was brought before him who owed him a huge amount. Since he had no way of paying it back, his master ordered him to be sold, along with his wife, his children, and all his property, in payment of the debt. At that, the servant fell down, did him homage, and said, ‘Be patient with me, and I will pay you back in full.’  Moved with compassion the master of that servant let him go and forgave him the loan. When that servant had left, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a much smaller amount.  He seized him and started to choke him, demanding, ‘Pay back what you owe.’  Falling to his knees, his fellow servant begged him, ‘Be patient with me, and I will pay you back.’  But he refused. Instead, he had him put in prison until he paid back the debt.  Now when his fellow servants saw what had happened, they were deeply disturbed, and went to their master and reported the whole affair. His master summoned him and said to him, ‘You wicked servant! I forgave you your entire debt because you begged me to. Should you not have had pity on your fellow servant, as I had pity on you?’   Then in anger his master handed him over to the torturers until he should pay back the whole debt.  ‘So will my heavenly Father do to you, unless each of you forgives his brother from his heart.’” (Matt: 33-35).  The king “was moved with compassion.”  The pleading servant elicited and increased the king’s love…the greatest of all feelings.  It is this feeling that God wants all of us to have and it is why we should not forgive “begrudgingly” but “from our hearts.”  The forgiven servant does NOT do this and his lack of forgiveness leads to great personal pain.

 
      A much different psychological theory of relationships was developed by Dr. Alfred Adler, over a hundred years ago.  Adler believed that the health of the individual was directly related to the amount of “social interest” the person had.  Social interest is characterized by such things as deep concern for the welfare of others, what one can contribute to the community, cooperation, empathy, and what you can give to others in relationships rather than what you can get from another.  It is basically another way of describing love, and was thought by experts in Adlerian Psychology to be unmeasurable, until some young kid developed the “Sulliman Scale of Social Interest” in 1973 which has become the “gold standard” for researchers.

 
    I heard about this particular Adlerian exchange many years ago. There was once a very wealthy man who suffered greatly from “melancholia” which today we call depression.  He travelled in Europe to see many doctors, hoping to find a cure.  Despite many medications, nothing was long lasting.  Finally, he heard about a physician who had graduated from medical school in Vienna in 1895 and who was achieving successes in cases that other doctors deemed hopeless.  When he met with Adler, he arrogantly challenged him with words like these:  “So Dr. Adler, what medication can YOU give me to cure me when no one else can?!  Adler said “None, but you are curable.”  “How, then?!”  Adler said, “Each day look for someone to help who can not possibly repay you in any way and you will start to feel better.”  The man was enraged and said “Why should I do ANYTHING for ANYBODY! No one does anything for me!”  Adler replied “You asked me what YOU could do to feel better, not others.”  This encounter is reflective of the young man who asks Jesus what he should do and is told to sell his possessions and give to the poor but “When the young man heard this statement, he went away sad, for he had many possessions.” (Matt. 19:22)

    Many others have come to the realization that loving and serving others is the best “spiritual medicine” that we have.  Mark Twain wrote “The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up."  Martin King Jr. echoed this statement when he said  “Those who are not looking for happiness are the most likely to find it, because those who are searching forget that the surest way to be happy is to seek happiness for others.”  And this from Roy T. Bennett: “Be the reason someone smiles. Be the reason someone feels loved and believes in the goodness in people.”  “Things of the spirit differ from things material in that the more you give the more you have.” in the words of Christopher Morley.

 
     Jimmy Durante recorded a song in 1964 that millions of people have heard, sometimes in movies, most notably “Sleepless in Seattle”.  These are the lyrics:

 
It's so important to make someone happy

Make just one, someone happy

Make just one heart to heart you, you sing to

One smile that cheers you

One face that lights when it nears you

One girl your, your everything to

Fame, (if you win it) if you win it

(Comes and goes) comes and goes in a minutes

(Where's the real) where's the real stuff in life, to cling to?

Love is the answer

Someone to love is the answer

Once you've found her

Build your world around her

Make someone happy

Make just one, someone happy

And you will be happy too

     There are, indeed, questions we should ask ourselves as we live each day.  But these are questions that will not gain us the illusion of fulfillment,  but rather will lead us to the true ecstasy of being immersed in love.  Questions like:

1)  “How can I use the gifts that I have been given to bring myself and others closer to God?”

2) “How can I become less attached to things of this world and make sacrifices?”

3)  “How can I remember to unite my sufferings with the sufferings of Jesus for the benefit of others?”   

4)  “What are ways that I can stop the “children within” from being murdered, and stop abortions?”

5)  “What is keeping me from saying the rosary each day?”

6)  “What can I do to relieve the pain of others?”

7)   “Where can I go to spend time with Jesus in Adoration?”

8)   “Why do I not receive the Blessed Sacrament more than I do?”

9)  “Why do I not look for at least one person each day to whom I can reflect God’s love for them?”

10)  “What more can I do to love and serve God by loving, serving, and forgiving others?”

James R. Sullliman, PhD