Forgiveness Is Yours to Give, But Reconciliation Requires Mutual Cooperation

Over on the Living Faith website, an undoubtedly well-intentioned writer of a daily devotion recently addressed the topic of “Sincere Forgiveness,” writing (in part): “As members of the Church, the Body of Christ on earth, we are called to forgive others with the fullness of mercy and concern for their well-being. Our compassion for others, without judgment, draws them into the Body of Christ by our patience, sincere forgiveness and continued presence in their lives.”

She also offered an admonition once received from a priest: “Jesus does not forgive us and leave us on our own.”

On the surface, it sounds well and good. After all, no Christian could argue with the notion we’re called to forgive, just as God does, right?

But another commenter and I quibbled with a couple of the writer’s assertions.

I quarreled over the suggestion that everyone whom we forgive is deserving of a “continued presence in [our] lives” — as though granting forgiveness (that for most of us likely happens not instantaneously but, rather, over time) is akin to throwing a light switch (like it’s easily turned on and suddenly makes everything hunky-dory between two people — which, though ideal, isn’t realistic).

Not only is true forgiveness typically more of a gradual, arduous process (for Christians, unquestionably involving prayer), but there should be no pressure to maintain relationships that might be harmful to the one doing the forgiving (or shame in shunning negative influences in our lives).

The other commenter (giving credit to Father Mike Schmitz) astutely raised the distinction between forgiveness and reconciliation. She wrote: “Forgiving is on our part, reconciliation needs both people’s cooperation.” Forgiveness alone, she went on to say, involves turning matters over to God, via prayer, while harboring no ill will toward the other person.

A key part of reconciliation, then, is cooperation. The aggrieved party may forgive regardless; but without the cooperation of the inflicting party, reconciliation is made all but impossible.

I take from this the implication that while we’re instructed to forgive, we’re not bound to welcome with open arms all “those who trespass against us.” Forgive them, yes; but stay directly involved in each other’s lives? Not without mutual cooperation, or the “vital participation” of the other person, as the Catechism of the Catholic Church puts it concerning our role in God’s forgiveness of us (¶ 2842).

Further, let’s insert trust into the discussion. Broken trust, too, usually cannot be repaired by simply “throwing a switch.” On the contrary, for most people restoring long-term trust is likely even more difficult than forgiving. Thus, it’s understandable (indeed, it’s perfectly acceptable) to want to “keep at arm’s length” (via personal boundaries) someone who has betrayed one’s trust — even if they’ve otherwise been compassionately forgiven.

Some might ask: “What about the Our Father: ‘Forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us’ … and Matthew 6:14: ‘If you forgive the faults of others, your heavenly Father will forgive you yours. If you do not forgive others, neither will your Father forgive you’?”

Again, some people mistakenly conflate forgiveness and compassion with reconciliation (ignoring the needed cooperation and difficult-to-restore trust). In reading “love your enemies, pray for your persecutors” (Matthew 5:44), nowhere do we see, “Go forth and forever be best buddies.” Rather, the Catechism states, “It is not in our power not to feel or to forget an offense; but the heart that offers itself to the Holy Spirit turns injury into compassion” (¶ 2843; emphasis added).

While writing this piece, I happened to be listening one day to the EWTN radio show “Women of Grace” with Johnnette Williams. Speaking with a caller about, providentially, forgiveness, the host described it as “an act of the will, not an emotion.” Here again, our forgiveness might be seen as intimate and, potentially, one-way; and our emotions as concurrent and natural. Hence, we may properly forgive, while simultaneously not desiring for a restored relationship (due, understandably, to extant emotions).

Additionally, some might blithely forget: Not all souls make it to heaven. Certain sin — notably “blasphemy against the Spirit” (Matthew 12:31), or the rejection of God — results in “eternal loss” (CCC ¶ 1864). Those who try (successfully or not) to save such sinners are true spiritual heroes. But while we’re all part of one body, we’re not all the same; we have unique functions (Romans 12:4). So, one isn’t wrong to not want to hang around someone who might be a negative influence in their life (instead turning the person over to God, via prayer, but otherwise letting them go).

Returning to the Living Faith writer whose priest said, “Jesus does not forgive us and leave us on our own”; one cannot disagree. But, that’s God … and we’re not God.

An analogy: It might be argued that many problems in the modern world stem from humans conflating self with God (or “playing God”): Unwanted pregnancy? No problem — dispose of ‘it.’ Think you were “born in the wrong body”? Simple — change your sex. Disagree with a sovereign nation’s policies? Solution: Regime-change war.

Similarly, it’s akin to “playing God” to suggest we cannot simply place in God’s hands certain of our persecutors (who, as we’re called to, we’ve forgiven), while avoiding a potentially destructive “continued presence” in our lives. To reiterate, although reconciliation might be ideal, it’s not always possible — or healthy. God is still God, whereas we — individual souls on earth — are not his equal.

Thus, a Catholic perspective involving faith plus works providentially shines the way when it comes to forgiveness (as well as salvation), too. Conversely, salvific belief in “Jesus loves me, God forgives me” based only on sola fide (“by faith alone”) — what might be described as a simplistic “Christian-Lite” assumption — diminishes the sinner’s “vital participation” in reconciliation. The truth of Catholicism is more perceptive: Jesus loves the repentant sinner. And repentance requires effort (work) on the sinner’s part. Or, putting it another way, forgiveness and reconciliation require the sinner’s (here comes that word again) cooperation.

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Addendum: Here’s a somewhat random sampling of a few other good recent articles from Catholic365 writers about forgiveness:

A Prayer For When You Can’t Forgive + Helpful Clarifications About Forgiveness From a Catholic Perspective (Feb. 20, 2024)

Forgiveness YES — Reconciliation PERHAPS NOT (May 23, 2026)

How Far Must We Extend Our Forgiveness? (June 23, 2026)

When Forgiveness Becomes Reconciliation (July 23, 2026)