Mercy

Mercy

It was a bad Saturday. Nothing went according to plan. It wasn’t that my plans went awry, it was that I deviated from the plan that I have had for the past couple of years. Let me explain.

            Every morning, I get up, splash my face, brush my teeth and throw on some casual clothing and if my wife needs anything like help getting up, breakfast or something else, I take care of her needs. After that, I take my meds and supplements with a big glass of water and maybe put on the tea kettle, then I head to my office, open up my computer and read the mass readings for the day. I study their interpretations online and then say a few appropriate prayers. After that, I will say the rosary. That gets me started for the day. Some days, if I have an early call or meeting, I might delay my prayers, but I do say them every day.

            I feed the dogs after prayer time, but I tend to skip breakfast. I consistently check my blood sugar and watch what I eat. I might have a cup or two of tea, maybe some toast or yogurt, but usually nothing. I’ve been a vegetarian for the past 15 years or so and I have been on nearly every diet invented over my lifetime, but needless to say, the older I get the more aware of what I put into my body.

            After all that I head back to the computer and check my email, social media and bank balances to make sure that things get paid on time and figure what I need to make to get by for the week. I get to work on my clients’ projects or update my websites if needed. If I have a meeting, gig or event, I dress appropriately and leave early enough to get to the location on time. Once or twice a week I might have coffee or lunch with a friend, potential client or someone asking my advice. I work every day except Sunday.

            Time permitting, I work out every day, usually midafternoon unless something interrupts me, even if I’m on the road. I usually get home about 5 and check on my wife and the dogs, get them fed and comfortable and sit and chat or watch a little TV with my wife. I try to write every night and sometimes it can keep me up late, but more often than not, I get stuck and give up until the next day.

            Wash. Rinse. Repeat

            But on Saturday, everything went sideways. I had an event in the morning that started off with disorganization and sort of fell flat. After that, I was off the rails. I was impatient with people, depressed and just wanting to get out of there. I went home to check on the family, had a protein shake and decided to clear my head by going to the gym. Somewhere between home and the gym. I gave up. I felt old, useless and out of time. What was I doing? Nothing was ever going to change in my life. No amount of prayer, work, kindness, money or effort was going to change my life. I would always be fat. I would always be broke. I would never be able to turn back the clock on my life. My failures in life would never change. I was in the negative and I was never going to pull myself out of this hole.

            Working out usually takes me away from everything, but on Saturday, it just made me feel old and worn out. I went home and although there were things that needed to be done, I let them be. I ate a rice bowl as I watched TV. I made dinner for my wife and sat with her, but I wasn’t really there. I went back to watching TV and sat there for hours until it was time for bed. I went to bed without ever saying my prayers.

            Sunday morning, I woke up late, a dream about going to dinner with my whole family where the restaurant staff didn’t have room for me at the table with everyone else and proceeded to put me in another room by myself and then ignored me. I woke up angry ready to sue the restaurant until I realized it was a dream, but it perfectly mirrored the way I felt; alone and abandoned. I thought about not going to mass but went anyway only because my sister said she would meet me there. “What was the point?” I thought on my way there. Nothing in my life was ever going to get better.

            After the congregation finished saying the rosary, which I was late for, I sat with my prayer book closed. I was just going through the motions. Sitting there and feeling sorry for myself, I felt a hand on my shoulder. It was Mike, one of the ushers. He asked if my sister and I would take the offerings up to the alter during mass. This is a small privilege that goes to a different couple, family or group every mass. Our job would be to carry the hosts for communion as well as the water and wine up to the altar for consecration. I had done this only one time before with my mother before she passed away nearly 7 years ago. Suddenly, the cloud lifted.

            Here was God reaching out to me in the smallest way to let me know that I was still worthy of his love. Here was God not waiting for me to come to him but instead inviting me to return to my faith and to not despair. Mind you, this is not a huge thing. It is not a privilege extended only to a few. It is something that every congregant is asked to do sooner or later. For me in that moment, it was forgiveness for my selfish actions of the day before and a hand extended in love. Who am I that God would reach out to me?

            At that moment, I felt lighter. The black cloud that had driven me to despair dissipated. Truth be told, I had done something selfish earlier in the week, something that I regretted immediately and it had laid on my mind all through Saturday. This wasn’t like the wholesale sinning that I’ve done in my younger days. Lord knows I have plenty of new sins. This was an old sin come to revisit me and perhaps the source of my despair. If I couldn’t let go of the old, sinful man, how was i ever going to achieve my goals? How was I ever going to be better if I couldn’t escape who and what i was? I was baited into believing that I would never change even though I have changed. God, in His mercy, reminded me that I could and would return to the path I have fought so hard to forge.

            I came home renewed and picked up where I left it the day before, looking after my family and cleaning the house. I got back on track with my diet and said a few prayers in thanks for God’s divine grace extended to me that morning. As I got ready for bed, I saw my computer sitting on my desk still in its soft case where I had tossed it in disgust the day before. I took it out, plugged it in and opened it up and sat down to write what I could remember of the day.