Never give up on anyone

NEVER GIVE UP ON ANYONE

Mt. 18: 15-20

Our Gospel reading today is a very practical lesson on how to get along with people with whom we have quarrelled.  Jesus knew better than anyone that this can be a very difficult thing to do.  In fact, sometimes it may seem impossible. 

The first thing Jesus tells us to do is to go to the person concerned and talk it over.  Sometimes we don’t do this.  We turn away in hatred or resentment, seek revenge or engage in gossip.  No!  Jesus is asking us to be ready to forgive that person as often as he or she needs it.  Such an attitude will create a much better chance of restoring our relationship.  We should not brood over it, or complain to someone else about it, but go to the offending party and talk to him or her about it.  In other words, don’t shut that person out of your life but keep the lines of communication open.  If we do that, there is a possibility we will be able to work things out between us.

Psychologists talk about a technique they call “sand bagging”.   When a river is rising, workers will pile up bags of sand to support the dyke and hold back the flood.  Sometimes the water is so forceful that it breaks through the bags and comes crashing down in an angry torrent.  This can also happen in human relationships.  A wife is hurt by her husband.  She keeps it to herself and says nothing about it.  It happens again, and still she says nothing.  It keeps on until so much resentment builds up inside her that she can take no more and she screams at him about all sorts of things.  Hoarding all that anger and frustration is what psychologists call “sandbagging”.

St. James gives us some very sound advice, “Never let the sun go down on your anger.”  It is his way of saying, “Do not sand bag.”  Don’t store up resentment, but go and bring the disagreement into the open between yourselves and talk it over. This is not always an easy thing to do.  Why not start by talking the whole matter over with the Holy Spirit and ask Him to bring about a peaceful solution?  This is important for without His help there can be no reconciliation.  We have to have a lot of courage and faith in a relationship before we are willing to take that kind of risk.  We have to be diplomatic.  All the time we have to realise that we are not perfect.  We too have faults of which we are not always aware.  We must try and see why the person who offended us acted in this manner or said the things they did.  In this matter we have to be honest.  This can be one of the most delicate and difficult things to do in any relationship.  We are all so fearful of rejection that we hide our true feelings even from those we love.  Parents do it to children and children to parents, husbands to wives and wives to husbands.  Honestly and tactfully discussing the difference between ourselves could save a lot of heartache and resentments.  As Jesus says, “If he listens to you, you have won back your brother.”

If he doesn’t listen, Jesus gives us another course of action.  We are to take along two or three people.  Or as Jesus says “the evidence of two or three witnesses is required to sustain the charge.”  These persons can act as intermediaries.  Our words on their own may bear no weight, but the presence of some others may help.  These people may have the words of wisdom we lack, or they may be able to get the “offender” to talk to us through them.  There are always two sides to every story.  We may have read the situation wrongly, and these others can point out to us where we have gone wrong and how we can unite. 

Jesus goes on to say that if he refuses to listen to these, we are to report it to the community.  I don’t think Jesus is telling us to spread this conflict to the community at large, this will only exacerbate the whole situation and make peace impossible.  We are to keep the matter within the confines of trusted Church members.  We can even seek advice in the confessional?  If nothing comes of all this we are told “to treat him as a pagan or tax collector.”  These words of Jesus have caused me some problems.  Is Jesus really telling us to reject this person completely as the Jews treated pagans and tax collectors?  Something tells me yes, because of the gradation of treatment we are to use in reconciling our differences.  It is another way of following Jesus’ saying, “Don’t throw your pearls before swine.”  How did Jesus treat Herod at His trial?  He never had a word for him.  He knew He would be wasting His time.  Then again, I look at the way Jesus behaved towards some pagans and tax collectors.  He treated them with love and the utmost respect.  He freed the Gentile’s daughter from the devil and cured the servant of the centurion.  Granted they both had tremendous faith in Jesus.  Matthew who wrote this Gospel was himself a tax collector, and Jesus called him to be a follower. 

So, I think following Jesus’ example we should always leave the door of communication open.  We should never give up on people.  If they want to cut us out of their lives, we can do what Jesus says and that is to “pray for our enemies”.  At least this can stop us from becoming bitter which can so easily happen. 

Lord Jesus, if God our Father sends His sun to shine on the good and bad alike and loves all of us whatever we do, we too should attempt to love everyone.

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