III. COURAGE--in, “Give us this day our daily ... Pearls.” Brother-in-Law grief explored

Courage is not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it.
The brave man is not—he who does not feel afraid—but he who conquers that fear.
--St. Teresa of Ávila

What if you had a minor car accident and need a blood transfusion? Blood is drawn, typed and crossmatched. Soon thereafter, two nurses bring in your new blood. For the next few minutes, they match all the variables from your blood wristband to their unit of blood. Why? Transfused blood must be compatible. Having two nurses double-check blood with you, is an added safety feature.

A, B, AB and O are the four main human blood groups. They’re named after unique antigens found on red blood cell surfaces. If someone has type A blood, they carry A markers; type B blood has B markers; AB has both; and O has none. This matters because our immune system makes antibodies that reject markers it doesn’t recognize. If you don’t know your blood type, go donate blood to find out for free.

• AB blood types are universal recipients.
• O blood types (universal donors) are on speed dial with hospital Blood Banks.

This principle extends to Mama and baby blood types. Instead of receiving a unit of blood, Mom receives a pregnancy—congrats! In the chart below, let’s name the baby/blood types alliteratively across the top. In the chart, Mom/blood types run downward on the left.

If for some reason like trauma or a low implanted placenta—Mom’s blood crosses the placental protective barrier and mixes with the baby’s blood, what happens?

• Which mom has the best compatibility chance?
• Which baby has the best compatibility chance?

ABO Blood Type Compatibility Chart (does not address the RH factor) 

Yes = compatible, No = not compatible

Source: ABO incompatibility chart of newborns | PPTX. Disclosure: this is a simple chart without nuances. Please see a doctor for professional advice. 

• Overall, AB Moms (universal recipient) have the best ABO compatibility
• Baby Ono, with no surface antigens, will have the best ABO compatibility
• Moms with O blood, do best hosting type O babies only

How do I learn my baby’s blood type?

Knowing the father’s blood type can help forecast probabilities. In most cases, a baby’s blood type is tested from its umbilical cord when it is cut/clamped. What will happen if mom’s antibodies cross the placenta and sense the baby’s red blood cells? This is called ABO Incompatibility. In most cases, it causes mild problems like newborn jaundice, but in some situations an immune attack is stronger. If so, it can damage the baby’s blood cells, interfere with the placenta and in rare cases contribute to miscarriage. Peer-reviewed journals have found that incompatibility occurs most when the mother is type O and the baby is A or B, because type O mothers have strong antibodies against both markers. What if the father is AB?

“Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage” —St. Therese of Lisieux

Young farmer Jim met a nice girl, settled down and got married. They bought a piece of land, planted fruit trees, and planned a big family to help manage the orchard. Plot twist—His wife’s blood type was O and Jim’s blood type was AB. As time went on, so did the miscarriages. Of 13 pregnancies, 6 were born preterm, baptized post-mortem and buried in holy ground, on their Uncle Joe’s grave. Nevertheless, Jim didn’t give up. Imagine their joy and gratitude to God as each live birth survived! During the first live birth, name discussions were not allowed until everything was done. He grew up delivering calves and stillbirths—hence the fruit tree decision. Fruit trees were more appealing since—no sunrise/sunset milking is involved.

Thanks for the talk & letting me cry. Thanks for the hugs & tearful goodbye.
Thanks for the questions & saying their name.
Thanks for NOT understanding and accepting my pain. —M. Savageau

Having a friend who was a doctor, a nurse for a sister and 911 on speed dial; term home-births were in the cards. When one particularly bouncing baby boy was born in the kitchen, (Jim swapped a birthing chair for the kitchen table) things got interesting. The baby screamed what sounded like obscenities at us and pooped meconium everywhere. Today, I tease him about bobbing him up and down in the toilet a few times while hitting the flusher—kidding!!

It took a while to clean Michael up, measure/weigh and ink some footprints—since his feet were ticklish. He made sure that one inkpad stuck to the bathroom mirror. When we emerged, the cord blood had been sampled, the placenta expulsed (intact—no obvious blood mixing) and the kitchen was spotless. Knowing exactly what to expect, Jim had pre-spread plastic to catch all evidence. It was gone and the floor was mopped. I was shocked. Cleaning up was the nurse’s problem. Just when Mikey and I returned, he was putting the mop away. We could have held a dinner party.

More kids were born between miscarriages. Setting the example, Jim loved-on each living and not-so-living baby, until God took him home to care for his 6 little babies in the sky. Jim, you are so loved and missed.

A woman waits with heavy heart, her son in danger lies.
She fears the surgeon’s sterile art, & dreads her child’s demise.
A kindly man spoke words of cheer, of holiness and grace.
Yet sorrow held her spirit near, she wished he’d leave her space.
A nurse then came and silent stayed, her hand in comfort pressed.
An hour she gave, no word conveyed; then left — her gift expressed.
We may forget with whom we laugh—a joy that fades away.
But never those who share our grief—and with us, weep and pray.

Like Dad, Jim became an electrician early on and began to build his own home. Initially he capped the basement and the newlyweds moved in, building upward. In summer, it was time to remove the temp roof to place the second floor. The forecasts predicted several clear days. However, as soon as the ceiling was opened, a deluge appeared from nowhere. Jim donned a raincoat, armed himself with a clean mop (pre-children) and a happy tune. My sister, sat in a human puddle. Everything she owned was a soaking mess. With tears running down her cheeks, she demanded, “how can you whistle in the rain at a time like this?”

“First, you’re mad enough for the both of us and second, how is it helping?” he asked. Jim, we miss your smile.

"Let nothing frighten you. He, who has God, lacks nothing. God alone is enough."
- St. Teresa of Avila

It was hard to tell who the dad or kids were, once the babies started accumulating. They would always need new brooms because, well—Limbo! Then there were mind games. Each kid would choose superpowers. Then, it was Jim’s turn to pick a weakness. It always came with a lesson and laugh. The oldest, Gerard picked three superpowers, so Jim’s assigned weakness was sustained sneezing. No matter how strong, smart or swift; he was paralyzed by allergies. Alex, wanted to fly. His assigned weakness was fear of heights. Little Rosie wanted to be beautiful, popular and rich; but her weakness was she was so lazy, she couldn’t leave her bed in the mornings. It is still true today. Jim, how did you know?

To resolve spats, Jim employed humorous lessons. Gerard loved bragging and torturing his siblings nonstop. “Ha-ha, he would say, I can do everything faster. I will bet you money that I am smarter than you!”

Jim was eavesdropping. And so was my son Andrew. “How much are you willing to put up?” Jim yelled from the other room. Gerard was quiet. He groped for a way out.

"Do not lose your courage because it brings with it a great reward."
- Hebrews 10:35

“I think I’ll save my money for college, thanks,” Gerard backpedaled.

Jim wasn’t having it. “How about non-monetary things? If you lose, you do dishes for a week. Let’s make it interesting—if you win; I’ll do dishes for a month!

Andrew piped in, “Do it! I would pay to see Uncle Jim do dishes for a month. I’ll even join in and help you. Whaddya say, Uncle Jim?”

"To love is to risk not being loved in return. To hope is to risk pain. To try is to risk failure,
but risk must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing."
—Author Unknown

It was Sunday breakfast, so the cousins were arriving. Gerard turned to Andrew, “easy for you to say, you don’t know what happens in my dad’s head.”

“You sure Andrew? You better shake on it with Gerard,” said Jim. He did. “And now with me, both of you.” They did. By now all were witnesses to a legal contract.

“OK, let’s vote. Which kid should we use as our independent variable?” he asked.

Andrew yelled, “baby Michelle.” She was less than a year old at the time.

“All in favor, say aye,” said Jim. About 10 young voices yelled, “aye.” “Opposed?” Dead silence. “C’mere baby girl.”

Shelly toddled to her daddy as he tossed her into the air, both giggling. “OK, boys on the couch.” They climbed up while Jim positioned Miss Michelle in the middle. Jim pointed his right index finger and thumb in the air. “On your mark, get set, go!”

"We don't develop courage by being happy in our relationships every day. We develop it by surviving difficult times and challenging adversity."
- Epicurus

“Wait, what are we doing,” asked the confused boys. Jim paused.

“The first of you three to bake a barnyard-breezy, brown-loaf in your drawers wins!”

Even wives were fair game. Since Jim had a fast metabolism, he was always hungry. He was not a picky eater and would go so far as to lick his plate clean. This angered his wife, Ginny. She didn’t want her ‘monkey-see’ kids copying her ‘monkey-do’ protocol-pirate. But Jim had a plan.

One night, the phone rang and Ginny snagged it. When she returned 10 minutes later, still on the phone; every child and Jim were licking their plates clean. Jim knew that she wouldn’t dare yell while on the phone. Now, whenever Ginny leaves the table, extended family, friends and other decorum-dropouts lick our plates clean for her. Even in death, Jim teases Ginny.

"Each time we face our fear, we gain strength, courage, and confidence in the doing."
—Author unknown

Jim could smell food cooking, from the orchard. He was prompt and reliable for all meals. Except one night, dinner was ready and he was not home yet. Thinking there was a work delay, car problem or something minor, she stalled supper. Jim would never miss a meal. He wasn’t a Beerhall-Barry, so he didn’t stop for a few fireballs. He wouldn’t have stopped to play cards with the boys, because that was their Sunday thing. Over time, the kids were cranky, so she fed them. Keeping his food warm, it could wait until his problems got solved.

Three hours later, the phone rang. “Howdy! It’s your handsome husband,” Jim called lovingly. This was met with 20 questions, least of all, where are you and are you OK? “I’m great! I stopped at your brother Joe’s house. We’re drinking and playing poker. I thought you should know.” That night, he must have lost one of his nine lives.

"I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it.
The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear."
- Nelson Mandela

B.C. or before children, a nightly contest was held between the basement newlyweds. It was called, “last-one-in-bed-has-to-turn-off-the-lights.” There weren’t many sockets in a cinder-block basement, only wall switches. Warning—Ginny is competitive—being Joe’s older sister. She was in track and could sprint from a standing position.

“If you’re the last one to bed, you get the lights tonight,” said Jim. He was standing next to the bed and turned to hop in. Jim wasn’t privy to her strengths, yet.

“That’s where you fall flat on your face,” she said while she took off running. She ran so hard and launched so late that she bounced on-and-off the bed, falling flat on her face. It was on!

"It always seems impossible until it's done." Thanks God!
- Nelson Mandela

The next night, Ginny went to bed at 6 pm to “catch up on her reading.” She almost finished Tolstoy’s War and Peace, when Jim came to bed at 10 pm. He crawled into bed with the lights still on.

“Do you mind turning off the lights, please Mr. Jimshine?” Ginny was all sugar tonight.

“Hey, you’re right!” He grinned, reached under the bed, whipped out his BB gun and “clinked” out the light. He planted it when Ginny got up around 8pm to visit her friend ‘John.’

"We must build dikes of courage to hold back the flood of fear."
- Martin Luther King, Jr.

One day, little Alex cut his lip. He was making a big fuss because no one would give him a Band-Aid. He was still crying when Jim took a roll of gauze and wrapped his head like a Mummy. Alex toddled room to room, showing off his red badge of courage until about five minutes later, when he realized his mouth had been wrapped shut.

Two years after Jim drowned, Ginny remarried. I was so angry that I almost didn’t fly home from Colorado. How dare she. Jim was our brother. Yet, she did have all those kids and needed help with chores. I caved, came and left; eggshells everywhere--for me. Then, she had the nerve to birth two more kids, effortlessly. These kids weren’t earned—it was like having too many toys. Absent the new kids’ births, I didn’t return home to meet them until Dad was dying, see part 3—Strength. For years, I stressed how new kids would fit with the old. What was the problem? It was me.

"God's love calls us to move beyond fear.
We ask God for the courage--to abandon ourselves unreservedly--so that we might be molded by God's grace.
Even as we cannot see where His path may lead us." — St. Ignatius Loyola

Ginny’s new husband was “one of the guys” at Joe’s poker table the night Jim lost one of his nine lives. He was Jim’s friend. While no marriage is perfect, he insists that the Jim/family portraits stay. He joins in stories as we mourn Jim's loss. And he mows the cemetery lawn where Jim is buried, 10 feet from Joe. 

Prayer for Courage

O Lord, You teach through blood & birth, that fragile life, is full of worth.
Through markers shared and bonds unseen, we must trust You in what might have been.
In parents grief when babies fall, You hold their names, You know them all.
Though O and AB clash in strife, You breathe new trust within our life.

We thank You for the farmer’s hand, who builds their home upon the land.
Through orchard rows and children’s cries, we find Your strength in tear-filled skies.
In plate-licked games and meals to keep; in laughter loud and lessons deep.
We bear our cross with humor bright & face the storms with steadfast light.

So, grant us faith when deaths arise, to trust Your love that never dies.
For courage grows when hearts rely—on You, O Lord—Who hears our cry.

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Click on link below for next chapter ... thanks for visiting!

I. Ghosts—in “Give us this day our daily … Pearls.” Family grief explored

II. Humor—in, “Give us this day our daily … Pearls” Brotherly grief explored

III. Courage—in, “Give us this day our daily … Pearls.” In-Law grief explored

IV. Strength—in, “Give us this day our daily … Pearls.” Paternal grief explored

V. Freedom—in, “Give us this day our daily … Pearls.” Grieving a child is explored

VI. Goodbye Ghosts—in, “Give us this day our daily … Pearls.”