IV. STRENGTH--in, “Give us this day our daily ...Pearls.” Paternal grief is explored

Work your kids twice as hard as you think they should be worked.
And give them half as much as you think they deserve.

Testosterone is an interesting contradiction, since it is a hormonal steroid. Like any hormone or steroid, T-abuse has serious risks. Please consult a doctor.

• It peaks in young males in the morning, making young superheroes.
• “T-tea” declines in fatherhood turning “cave hunters” into “gentle dads.”
• In nature, it dips with age. This is an advantage because prostate cancer cells respond to testosterone, within a relevant range.
• Studies show eunuchs live on average, 14 years longer.

Speaking of “gentle dads”, some fathers are closet-teddy bears. They want to have fun with their children, but some need permission. Perhaps signals get crossed or exhaustion gets in the way. To kids, what appears to be aloofness or boredom, may be a desire for silent, gentle warmth. Below are three more free Dad lessons. Please don’t wait too long to try them.

Caveat—some kids don’t have good paternal relationships. This makes it harder to understand God as a loving, merciful Father. If so, it is a sensitive issue in faith formation and RCIA/OCIA. The suggestion--“as adopted children”--is a better way to describe God’s love for us.

Lesson 1. Frequent Contact encourages Bonding

After Holy Mass, Sunday morning breakfast can be a sacred space too. With bacon spitting on the stove, pile around the counter prepping fruit, make toast or waffles and pretend to love Dad’s weak coffee. Tell family to bring their weeks’ worth of leftovers. Then, make popcorn was for sports games and encourage the girls to bake. The Sunday rule is—you’re not done eating until you hate yourself—kidding!

“Either He will shield you from suffering, or He will give you unfailing strength to bear it. —St. Francis de Sales

One Sunday, Dad suggested we go around the adult table and say something nice about the person to our right.

• Dad laughed at my son Andrew, “you just might clean up well.” He was in his teen years, wore shorts in winter and ran to the neighbors barefoot—in snow.
• Andrew patted Grandma’s hand, and patronized, “you have the nicest set of grandkids out of anyone I know.”
• Grandma turned to Ginny, who was waiting and smiling. “I love the way you wash dishes after a big Sunday morning breakfast.”
• Ginny turned to her spouse Jim, “I love the way you pay bills.” He bragged about his amazing wife, who was gifted at reminding him of his duties.
• Jim turned to his youngest son Michael, “I like the way you obey your father.”
• Mikey turned to me, “Aunt Rose, you have handsome nephews.”
• I turned to my oldest brother Patrick, “Even though your face scares little children, your sisters are lovely.” It was lame but all the good lines were gone.

The dead don’t die; they look on and help. -DH Lawrence

Lesson 2. Taunt with Tenderness

When Dad joined the Navy during WW2, he wanted all his teeth pulled. In the right settings, his dentures became his favorite icebreaker over time. Any innocent kid who made eye contact, got flashed a bottom plate. The confused child would touch their own teeth to determine how they were anchored. It is a great conversation starter, see below. However, it did not work with everyone.

• He once flashed his lowers to his mother-in-law during a Dakota visit. Nothing. The next morning, he woke up to find his plates missing and a quarter in his denture cup.
• Due to coffee-staining, he prowled for whitening products. A snake oil-salesman once overpromised pearly whites. He bragged how queues would form outside to kiss his magnificent molars. Later, undelivered promises led a crestfallen Dad to saunter from the bathroom holding a melted mass of pink and white plastic—a new paperweight. Mom was laughing so hard that she made steak and eggs for dinner. His favorite
• He teased the grandsons, “you left your bare face hanging out again.” To this day, they still wonder what that means. He had a plethora of other phrases like, “are you full of prunes?”

Dad had an old saying about boys and work. One boy equals a full day’s work. Two boys equal a half days’ work. Three boys equal no days’ work.

Lesson 3. Protect the Weak

Every youngest child is fondly called the runt. In his litter of five, protection was needed from the bigger kids, and I was his piggy. In rural Minnesota, Dad and Mom grew crops, chickens, cows and pigs. They brought the smallest pig or runt inside as a pet; to prevent its bullying and death. Ironically, this led to a freezer full of pork sausage, roasts, bacon and hams. Meanwhile, Dad loved WWF wrestling with Hulk Hogan, Vern Gagne and Andre the Giant. Regularly, he and I watched it together, as I practiced pathetic little moves on him. Sadly, I grew taller than my sisters, so when he called my shortest sister “the runt” it cut deeply. Until we realized, he was protecting her from backlash. Respect.

Botany was God’s gift to man, even before man became carnivores. Every May, farmer offsprings plant gardens whether they need them or not. Digging in the dirt is therapeutic, and wet soil is aromatherapy. It’s fun to identify seeds, plan spacing and explore solar/floral affinities. One fall Sunday breakfast, we wolfed home-grown sweet corn-on-the-cob. With butter running down our chins and wrists—loud laughter launched. The cousins were coughing, choking and crying; while the adult women fought back their stress incontinence ...

A toothless Dad was holding his corn suspended—while both denture plates—remained clamped onto his corn cob.

When I was with my dad & I was just a child; the world was overwhelming, as crowded haunts were wild.
Every day was magic & the Tooth Fairy still was true, & all the things that mattered, were the things my father knew.
We often went exploring & learned to love the land, but the greatest thing I ever learned was—how to understand.
The finest gifts are often things we may not always see. When I wasn’t with my father, my father was with me. --Marsha Jeffrey-Hendrickson

What is a father?

Try this short exercise by substituting “God” for the word “a father” in the list below.

• A father expects a lot from us and thinks trying hard is the most important thing.
• A father explains how things work and makes us want to be as smart as he is.
• A father has extra dollars in his pocket and extra warmth in his smile.
• A father takes us places—and makes them special—just because he can.
• A father comforts our tears and understands when we are out of sorts.
• A father goes to work every day taking thoughts of us with him. [We loved making his lunch, adding home-baked cookies and/or muffins.]
• A father is someone with whom we share a special love, forever.

“Lay all your cares about the future—trustingly, in God’s hands—& let yourself be guided by the Lord, just like a little child.”
St. Teresa Benedicta of the Cross [Edith Stein]

What is Cancer?

Background. There are >100 types of known cancers today, so each has its own personality, behaviors, rate of growth and aggression scales. Therefore, always be prepared to be asked—what kind of cancer?

Definition. The word “cancer” in both Latin and Greek means “crab.” Ancient physicians like Hippocrates used this term because malignant tumors with swollen veins looked like a crab’s body with legs or feelers spreading outward. Check out this image of a spider plant, a simple metaphor minus nuances.

Causes are multifactorial, but in general; genetic changes called mutations stimulate altered cells to grow uncontrollably. A direct cause/effect example is cigarette smoke which alters bronchial cells’ DNA—including secondhand smoke. Altered cells can form tumors or affect blood, spread to other organs and disrupt normal body functions. While cancer remains the #2 leading cause of death worldwide, advances in early detection and treatment have improved cancer survival rates.

Survival rate. Early prostate cancer detection leads to survival rates of >99% at 5 years—if it is localized to the prostate only. It is one of the easier cancers to treat, after simple skin cancer.

“Of what should we be afraid? Our captain on this battlefield is Christ Jesus.
So, we must fight courageously and mark ourselves with the sign of the most Holy Cross.”
St Catherine of Siena

Moral. Do your photon radiation (non-nuclear) with early prostate cancer. In the past, radical orchidectomies were done followed by oral testosterone-blocking drugs. Today, this desperate, barbaric surgery is NOT a common approach to prostate cancer. If you didn’t read Part I, know that Dad’s radiation was postponed.  All that remained was surgery, as his Hail Mary—literally. Evidence was his blood PSA lab results were >300, whereas normal is 2.5-6.5 units.

Figuratively, Dad died the day the OR nurse carried his ‘orchids’ to Pathology for biopsy. How many times had we relayed specimens to the lab, not realizing their gravity? To this day, cancerous or not, I wish they had been bronzed. No disrespect intended, but they were worth more than the Hope diamond.

Prayer to Abandon Attachments (~in 8686 meter)

Father, take Your tissue back, self-image— subjectivity.
As my plans fail and treasures fade, Your love will set me free.
Empty us of “us” we pray, that we may learn Your way. For when we die--our ego dies--so take it now. today!
With holy flame, please fill our souls, with fire that makes us whole.
No wealth nor power, nor earthly thing can match Your heart’s abode.
O Source of light, use all our pain, transform it into grace. And let our soul take holy flight, to find Your flawless face.

* * *

Click on link below for next chapter. Some may not be posted yet.

  I. Ghosts—in, “Give us this day our daily … Pearls." Family grief explored

 II. Humor—in, “Give us this day our daily … Pearls." Brotherly grief explored

III. Courage—in, “Give us this day our daily … Pearls." In-Law grief explored

 IV. Strength—in, “Give us this day our daily … Pearls." Paternal grief explored

 V. Freedom—in, “Give us this day our daily … Pearls.” Grief of a child explored

VI. Goodbye Ghosts—in, “Give us this day our daily … Pearls.”