Waiting

There are few things I dislike more than waiting..Waiting for an answer. Waiting for a phone call. Waiting for someone to make a decision. Waiting for something to change. Waiting for a prayer to be answered.  Waiting for a request to be granted.

There is a peculiar sadness that can settle into waiting. At first there is hope. Maybe today. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe this week. But as the days pass, hope can begin to share space with disappointment. And eventually we may find ourselves wondering not only when the answer will come, but whether it will come at all.

When Hope Meets Disappointment

There is a particular sadness in waiting when what you're waiting for matters deeply. You don't know whether the answer is yes, no, not yet—or perhaps no answer is coming at all. And meanwhile, ordinary life continues. You go to work. You make dinner. You pray. You check the phone. You tell yourself not to think about it. And then you think about it.

And what happens next?  We begin to fill in the blanks of why we are being forced to wait with our own story.  Maybe what I’m waiting for isn’t as important to someone else as it is to me. Maybe I misunderstood what was said. Maybe I’m expecting too much. Maybe circumstances have changed. Maybe I need to accept that the answer isn't going to be what I hoped. Or maybe, just maybe, what matters so much to me simply doesn’t carry the same urgency for someone else.

Some of these could be true, but my heart is attempting to convince me that likely none of these are.

Waiting With Jesus

I have been thinking a lot lately about what Jesus asks of me during this time.

Maybe He isn't always asking me to wait cheerfully. Maybe He isn't even asking me to pretend that waiting doesn't hurt. Maybe He is simply asking me not to wait alone.  And so, I don’t.  Once a week, I sit with Him for an hour and pray.  And I pray that my prayer will be answered, alleviating that sadness and disappointment.

I’ve been waiting for something important and have been given reason to believe it will happen.  But I don't know when.  And as time passes, waiting is becoming increasingly difficult.  I’ve begun to discover that the emotional progression isn't simply impatience. There is sadness in it. There are questions and even moments of feeling forgotten. And I’ve found myself taking that waiting to Jesus.

When Waiting Hurts

Yes, this article could be about patience. But it’s not. Waiting is the struggle.  They're related, but they're not the same thing.  And I tend to think there are plenty like me who struggle with waiting.

Patience tends to sound like something we're supposed to do well. Waiting is something I can’t move forward myself. And I can't make it end, and I don't know WHEN—or HOW—or IF it will end. And when the thing we're waiting for matters emotionally, waiting can hurt. 

And that lack of control is part of why waiting can become sad rather than merely annoying.

I truly believe if I knew there would be an end to my waiting, my patience would be enough.   But when time continues to pass, and pass, and pass…well, when do I give up and accept the disappointment that may be awaiting me?  Patience may have been easier when I was younger, but the older I get, I begin to realize time is no longer on my side.  Days turn into weeks and weeks into months and months into years.  And I will never get that time back.  So, waiting becomes a luxury I can’t afford anymore.

That’s when the time comes that I need to place it in Jesus’ hands and believe that He will show me when my sadness will be alleviated. And during this time of not knowing and the waiting that comes with it, I have wondered what I have learned about myself.  Surely, there is a lesson in this.

Learning to Trust

So, what AM I learning? Well, patience is not all it’s cracked up to be.  It can hurt.  It forces me to not overstep in trying to make the waiting stop, for fear of losing something precious.  I’ve also learned that being at the mercy of someone or something I cannot control can be heartbreaking.  Also, I need to remind myself that I cannot turn silence into a story about my worth.  And, maybe most important of all, it is discovering that trusting Jesus doesn't necessarily mean believing I'll receive what I’m waiting for.  Our prayers are heard, even though the answers aren't always what we want. Perhaps the most important lesson I’ve learned is to trust Him even before I know what His answer will be.

I must trust Jesus not to force an answer—even while I’m waiting.  And perhaps an even harder one: I must trust Him if the answer eventually isn't the one I want.  And, I do.

Jesus said on the sermon on the mount.  “Therefore, I tell you, do not be anxious about your life…………………….and which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?”  Truer words were never spoken so eloquently.  Waiting can be painful, and lonely and extraordinarily sad, as I said earlier.  I just need to trust and look to Our Lord to wait with me and continue to pray that the wait will soon be over.