The Challenge of Dealing with Adult Children

There comes the time for every father and mother when the children grow up and start a new phase in the relationship, where we need to learn how to deal with the reality that our “babies” became adults. There are many challenges in this new phase, for both parents and children.

The first question is to know when they become actually adults… As parents, it seems that they are never mature enough. And for each child, this maturity may come in a different moment. Although, if we think in the legal aspect, in our country (Brazil), an adult is every person older than 18. This way, we should presume that our children are adult from that age on.

During all the time of the child and adolescent´s lives, we gave advce and more advice, sometimes even lectures. After all, our duty is to educate them in the path of the good. But now, in the adult phase, we should be very careful with our words, even if they are given with the best intentions. To an adult child, we shouldn´t arrive talkingabout what we think. The ideal is, first, to ask permission to share our thoughts. Yes, you read it right. Ask your child if you can give your opinion about certain subjects.

Of course it is weird, as parents, suddenly to start asking the child´s permission to speak to him, but it shows to your child that you are acknowledging that he has grown up, that he is and adult, who has free will to make his decisions, and the most you can do in this phase is to advise, IF HE PERMITS. This way, asking permission before talking,increases a lot the chance of him hearing your advice.

Another question is about obeying the house rules. Here you can be emphatic: while he lives with you, the child MUST OBEY the house rules, regardless of how old he is. The house is yours, so are the rules. You have the right to establish a time to get home, who can visit or sleep over, request that he tell you if he will join the meals with the family (under penalty of having to cook for himself later). Among other things, this is a matter of respect and if he lives anywhere else, with other people, he would also have to obey the rules.

An aspect particularly difficult for mothers is related to the emotional independence. Depending on the temper of the child, even adult, he may continue with an emotional dependence of his parents that isn´t healthy. The child must know that he has to resolve the consequences of his choices, and can´t ask all the time if he should do this or that. In the background, what the child wants is the parent´s approval about his decisions and that can be the result of lack of attention and emotional immaturity.

Therefore, it´s up to the parents to assure to their children that they are loved REGARDLESS OF THEIR CHOICES and if they make mistakes, the parents will be beside them to help in what they need. But the decision must be made by the children, even though it is nice to have an adult child always asking for your opinion, this attitude is not good for him or her.

The last tip is for those who have a son or a daughter already married. The parents, especially those with a better financial condition, have the temptation to want to economically help their married children. This is not advisable. Willing or not, parenst who gives allowance to a married child, even if it is in the best of the intentions or to fairly needs, such as paying for the grandchildren´s school, have the tendency to intrude more in the life of the couple, thinking that they have the right to give an opinion about the choices that your child (with your daughter or son in law) had made. The children have to learn to live accordingly with their own income. To economically depend on parents is a life of illusion and may bring much discord in the couple´s relationship.

Of course, in a emergency situation, such as illness or unemployment, the parentes may, and even should, help. But this help should not be permanent, without an end date. This way, before the children get married, they have to know that they won´t be able to count on their parent´s money, and should live in the financial condition that their income allows.

Lastly, an attitude that the parents with children of any age should always have is to PRAY for each one of their children, their sons and daughters in law and their grandchildren. you can never give too much prayer. Through prayer, we keep a healthy spiritual bond with our children, and it will support them in all moments of their lives. Prayer can do much more for our children than we can do ourselves. It accompanies them always, where we can´t go, into the lowest depths of their hearts. So, pray a lot and pray without ceasing! Parents on their knees willl help children to stand up!