Over the course of doing the best I could to have a Great or Best Lent EVER—a strange thing happened. At first, it was a time of contentment, as it felt good to fast between hungers. Drawing away to read, reflect and write in journals gave a sense of joy too. Drawing away from Facebook and the media was definitely not hard for “who wanted the drama anyhow!” This Lent was definitely GREAT!!!
But about the middle of Lent due to “God’s mysterious ways,” I noticed that that desert journey was not a pleasant one and I was tired of doing without the meat, waiting for hunger and due to circumstances beyond MY control—my life became unsettled by changes in jobs. My husband’s back got worse and discouragement and despair entered in and hung around. God was allowing the beginning of a ‘Refiner’s Fire’ to come into my soul. Lent became a time of unrest---“as humanness, and negative emotions were allowed to come to the surface.”
This time of change was essential for when you close up a dirty wound---infection sets in and pus builds up and the wound explodes as we break down in a mental meltdown.
This is why God allows that dark night of the soul that all ‘saints to be’ experience. It is a period of discontent, frustration, being adrift, feeling deeply like you are falling apart--for a reason. There were times I felt that my life was nothing and “just Lord what are we to do, where are we do go from here. I became very depressed and ready to give up being His servant—and run away. We put the house on the market and planned to travel again, due to Bob’s deteriorating ability to care for the place. However, we know from past experiences ‘geographical cures’ or running away does not work unless it is in the Will of God for our life and He tells you to GO. Unhappiness will travel where ever you go. Just like getting a divorce and remarrying, only to find you still have problems, for you carried your old baggage with you.
Giving up though was not an option---Prayer is always the first step to turning back and finding answers to ‘what is going on?’ Even if that prayer is dry and you think---“lip service.” You continue to pray faithfully and disciplined.
Realize that in God’s plan---discipline, purification, stripping away, or “the dying to self” is necessary!! We need to FALL APART!! If we are to experience a Resurrected Life, and delivered from what is decaying inside, change is essential. For unless the seed dies, it remains a grain of wheat—never to become part of the Bread, blessed and broken and given, used by God to nourish others. His joy and happiness can only come when we submit to the Father’s Will and plan. For He and only He knows the fullness of our potential and can give us all that we need by His Power and Might to be the best we can be, for His Glory—not ours.
This morning, after last night submitting to this “Cup” God was giving me--- another day of ‘ordinary, drab life began. I said my usual prayers, dressed, fed the animals, was planning my day-- when the Sweet Spirit of God reminded me—“Mass in 15—you can do this.”
Kneeling in God’s Presence, as Father lit the Easter Candle before Mass, that tiny dim flame, barely there—within seconds grew bright and large—seen throughout the church. The Holy Spirit whispered insight was “what made the flame bright?”
Air or the breath of God!! Taken in by the flame and burned—the Father and Son became one and the Holy Spirit joined in as wisdom and insight was sent my way. It is good to be here Lord—good to be here!! Joy once more was entering in.
Then after Mass even though it was drizzling, because the Gospel said to go and spread the News to all ‘creatures,’ a walk in the park to feed that lonely duck was encouraged. There was so much I would have missed if I sat at home with the excuse ---“its drizzling and damp out.” All that I saw and smelled on that walk and peace that came—wow what a gift given. The brook was very noisy after our rain last night. All of creations were rejoicing with the sounds of spring and nature around me. “How Great Thou Art, indeed Oh God!”
It felt good to be alive again, and good to be here---where ever ‘here’ is in life for God is HERE!!! For life to be bright again---just breathe in that Breath of God called Air and allow the Holy Spirit to do His job of changing and resurrecting your life as you die to self.
Burn, baby, burn—let that purifying refining Fire do what it is to do. Cleanse you of the decay and destructive behavior that MUST GO!
Remember, sometimes, for a purpose and a reason—life is not meant to be “awesome” all the time. The ‘birthing and growing’ must go on!