Catholic/Christians and the Reality of the Grief Process

"Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted" (Matthew 5:4).

Hospice contacted me about two weeks after my wife had passed and asked me to join an upcoming Bereavement support group. It would be two hours a week for seven weeks. The group would meet for the first time on May 10. As I write this, I have completed two sessions. I was wrong to think I did NOT need to attend.

At the initial meeting there were five new widows and one new widower (me). Interestingly, all of us were Catholic. That is why I began this piece with the fourth beatitude. We say lots of "comforting" things to people in "mourning" but I have discovered that for those who are in the "mournful" state, comforting them sometimes is not possible. Many have what is akin to a deep, open wound that is bleeding profusely and sometimes the healing and scarring process has barely begun.

From the CCC 989: We firmly believe and hence we hope that, just as Christ is truly risen from the dead and lives forever, so after death the righteous will live forever with the risen Christ and He will raise them up on the last day. Our resurrection, like His own, will be the work of the Most Holy Trinity.

As Catholic/Christians our faith has comforted us during our lives by instilling in us the belief that death is only a transition to a world filled with perfect happiness. Jesus, the Blessed Mother, angels and saints and loved ones gone before us, share our heavenly world with us. There is no more pain and suffering, no illness, nothing negative. Our beloved has gone there. Shouldn't we be jumping up and down with joy?

Your loved one has entered the "Eternal Now". But oftentimes, the reality of the death of someone dear to you turns those "instilled" beliefs into nothing more than a bunch of nice words. The loss experienced has had too powerful of an impact. Dead is dead.

Oh yes, we know all these things. We certainly say that we believe these things. Every Sunday we profess our faith, out loud and in public saying, "and on the third day He arose again". We tell "mourners", Oh, their suffering is over. Now they are at peace"; or "They are in a better place"; and my favorite, "If you need anything, anything at all, don't hesitate".

We are human beings after all. We are also victims of Adam and Eve's original sin. This is the sin that brought us illness and death. This is the reason for our grief. This is the reason for our pain and suffering. This is the reason for "bereavement" which means "deprivation" or to have "suffered a loss".

Having these feelings is "normal". As a man, I have tried my best to stifle any outward display of emotion in public. At home, who cares. No one is there to see my crumblings. I did fail miserably at Walmart two days after the funeral. I had gone there to get a few things and I noticed that the cell-phone section was empty. I needed a memory chip for my phone and asked the clerk where they were. He pointed them out and I grabbed a 16gig chip and handed it to him.

He offered to put it in the phone and transfer a bunch of photos into it. He opens the picture file and there is my wife smiling at me. I lose it and morph into a babbling spectacle---at Walmart. A nice little crowd watches but keeps their distance. Hey, I might be a lunatic or an old terrorist...whatever. You get the picture (pun intended). I was told by the facilitator of my group my reaction was "normal".

A man named Leo came to our last meeting. His wife, Rosemarie, had died in January. They had been married for 68 years. Leo sat next to me at the end of the table. He was like a little lost pup. He was 90 years old and said, "I don't know what to do. I keep calling her and looking for her and she's not there. I don't know what to do."

Then he pursed his lips, began staring at nothing, and with his eyes wide open, tears began cascading down his face. I began bawling like a baby and grabbed his hands in mine. This 90 year old man had created an absolute poignant moment and broke everyone's heart.

The point is, as Catholic/Christians we all witness death in our lives. And we should remember that witnessing death brings us face to face with a journey we all must make. Grief is an internal process and everyone experiences it in their own unique way. We all know of the resurrection and the reward of eternal life. However, when you get hit with the personal impact of death and the grief is inside you, it can be very hard to deal with.

We are mortal humans. We must feel the pain. Imagine how our Blessed Mother felt watching them torture and kill her Son? Compared to what she had to endure, we have it made.

And from CCC 991: belief in the resurrection of the dead has been an essential element of the Christian faith from its beginnings. "The confidence of Christians is the resurrection of the dead; believing this we live." We should never forget this.

copyright Larry Peterson 2017