What is Lost Must Be Found – So You See

Looking Back with Amazing Grace:

1^st Step

Know that every human being from the moment of conception began to receive what would become the person and their personality that they are. Jeremiah 1-v 5 “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I dedicated you, a prophet to the nations I appointed you.”

We will never know just how God does what He does in His mysterious ways to bring about the person that we are---but He does from the moment of conception---we are being formed into we are to be.

As your recall, in the last blog written---the health of my eyes and problems with eye drops had me asking God to heal them, if He would just say the Word. His Word back to me was “Do you really want to be healed.” I knew what He was referring too, for that nagging frustration of the inner battle of emotions and behavior those emotions prompted was dragging me down with stress and depression. God through others and readings was dropping big clues. I am resentful, angry and bitter and I needed to find out what was the root of those feelings were. So once more I gave God permission to bring to the conscious what the subconscious had buried.

He did as I wrote into my journal later that night these thoughts.

"Why am I running so fast, what is compelling me to be ‘DOING’ all the time? Music, art, writing---and the time goes so fast---am I concerned that time will run out on me, my mind will not work or my eyes not see well enough? My strength too—Lord if you are coming soon what difference will all make---You said not to store up. What about the produce of our minds not just our hands? Am I still striving to prove myself, or finally say “SEE LOOK AT who I am NOW or what I did?"

"Don’t just love me—validate me, my children!! Lord, am I still striving to prove to my family I am not that loud mouth brat they did not want to play with? The small child whom they manipulated because they knew I wanted to be accepted and a part of the group? I cry as I write this so I see what is lost is now found. That truth--- that little me felt so unwanted and even now continues to feel “second best and manipulated by my ‘desire to serve God’ and feel taken for granted waiting on my husband and caring for him because he hurts. But, is he too SICK due to his emotional past hurts that he is hiding. (Yikes---disability can come from inability and fear of making mistakes. God you have shown me how sometimes we want to be ill, so we will not be held accountable, or expected to do what we are not comfortable in doing.) Father God please send me the wisdom that I need to know what to do."

Tonight, in His love, He gently led me to deeper realization of why my emotional eating was returning. Combing my hair, I saw my mother’s face looking at me and started to cry, for I remember being so ashamed of her over weight body when I was around 8 or 9. The kids at school were making fun of her, and teasing me too, about how I would be fat someday. Here I was at age 70, still carrying around that guilt for making her feel unaccepted and unloved, once refusing to dance with her, 'cause you are fat.' The memory of her grabbing a mop to dance with still saddens my heart. So, a good cry was had, forgiveness sought from Mom and for myself too, 'from' myself.

I am also was reminded too; that we should all think of what was happening at the moment of our conception. This was very important and needed. I was the youngest of eight. Mom may have been tired and being a dutiful wife—submitted to a husband request for sex. As soon as I thought that----I saw “MOM’s personality” within me. A dutiful wife, submitting to the husband’s will and RESENTING EVERY MOMENT OF Proverb’s wife life I was living. Talk about bright lights enabling me to really SEE what needed to be healed. Wow!!

After writing in my journal how God helped me find what was buried, hidden---I began to feel inspired to start to share this process of inner healing and spiritual growth that I was blessed to be trained in over twenty years ago when in my desire to serve God completely, He had led me to the Mercy of God Prayer Center in Austin Texas. After praying with me, I was invited to take part in their classes on "inner Healing and Spiritual Growth." I desperately needed this and God's guidance.

Many are the people who share common stories of our painful past. So, there may be others too still in despair—wondering “Why, God, why?”

Just how do we go from our painful memory lost within, to finding inner peace and joy? I know that by sharing the stories of my pain and how God healed and delivered me---there have been many whose eyes tear up, as once more they see, understand and come to inner peace and healing. Through the process of this spiritual inner healing, we not only find peace, but we are delivered from the control of our past hurts.

This is what God means to take up our cross and share in the suffering of Christ. This is how we let our light of God’s love shine out to others as we offer a beacon of hope to them and once more they find their way back to healing. This is what He means too, when He tells us to “Come unto me, you who are heavily burden, and I will give you rest.” So, dear hearts come, come to the waters of your tears, let them flow and let those Holy Spirit Gifts grow within until they burst forth sending out sweet fragrances of God’s healing love.

Responsorial Psalm Ps 126: Those who sow in tears shall reap rejoicing.
Although they go forth weeping, carrying the seed to be sown,
They shall come back rejoicing, carrying their sheaves.

Step 2 soon to come—but I must give God the time to set the scene up that sends the teaching to be taught.