The Unspoken Torture: Scrupulosity

I almost didn’t write this article. I knew that it would mean outing myself. But the more I thought and prayed about it, the more I knew that I had to do it. I know that I’m not the only person out there who has had scruples. But I am one of the blessed who has overcome it.

Let me start by explaining what scruples are: It’s basically when someone thinks that everything is a mortal sin. The person is certain that they are in mortal sin and that they are going to hell. They run to Confession every chance they get, sometimes 2-3 weekly, or even daily, and then the minute they get out they realize something they forgot and get back in line. They skip Communion because they don’t want to receive in a state of mortal sin; they go to Mass only to feel like they didn’t pay good enough attention and go again that same day. They give up things they like because they’re not sure if they are mortal sins or not, and it’s better just to avoid everything that has the tiniest chance of being a mortal sin.

Where do they come from? Well, they usually come from a person having Obessive Compulsive Disorcer (OCD) and intrusive thoughts. People often think that OCD is just checking and rechecking, counting, worrying about germs, frequent hand washing, etc. It’s the butt of a lot of jokes on TV. But the reality isn’t funny. And what people don’t know about are intrusive thoughts, where a person gets horrible thoughts or images in their head that they don’t want there. And then these thoughts and images are so disturbing that they cause a great deal of distress. And the more distressed the person gets, the worse the thoughts/images get, until they are cycling through the person’s head 24/7 and the only relief is sleep. Add religion into the mix, and you have scruples—a form of intrusive thought and obsession and compulsion. Sound horrible? Oh, it is. And you don’t know the half of it unless you’ve been through it.

Yeah, that used to be my life.

So why am I outing myself? Well, because I know there are a lot of people out there suffering from this, and I know they need help. I’ve been through it, and I’ve healed. And I’m writing about it now to tell those who are suffering from it, that healing is possible. There is hope.

First, getting rid of intrusive thoughts/images. If you look them up online, they are actually really common. Everyone gets them. Most people are like, “huh, that was a weird thought,” and move on. But people who have OCD and anxiety ruminate (obsess) about them and get very distressed and for some reason that makes the thoughts/images worse. Simply telling your brain to “stop it!!!” does the opposite. It’s like telling your brain “don’t think of a pink elephant!” Yeah, that doesn’t work.

What you have to do is the last thing you’ll want to do. Trust me. I thought my therapist was crazy when he told me this. You have to ignore the intrusive thoughts. Let them run through your head like a really annoying song in the background. Just note their presence, “oh, an intrusive thought,” and then let them go do their thing. What helped me was to say a prayer and then ignore them. I would say, “Lord, you know I don’t mean these thoughts.” I know you’re reading this, shaking your head and saying to yourself, “you don’t know how bad my thoughts are!” Trust me, I’ve been there. My thoughts/images were horrible. And nothing else worked, so I listened to my therapist. And he was right. I say with confidence that this is the only way to get rid of them. I promise it will work. And I promise that God knows what you’re going through, and He’s there for you.

I also recommend getting a good therapist, and getting on medication. I have done therapy several times, and am currently taking medication. It is very helpful. Also, have a good spiritual director. I have done that, too. But find somebody who knows what they are talking about. A background in psychology/counseling is always a plus.

Now, on to scruples. Arguably the hardest to beat, but not impossible. I remember that I would spend hours researching mortal sins and what made a mortal sin, and then ask people if they thought such and such was a mortal sin. I can’t remember how many times I called my friends or sister and went over a list of every possible sin I could have committed. It exhausted me. I’m sure it exhausted them, too. But some advice from my sister that really helped was this: “mortal sin requires full consent of the will. And if you aren’t sure after, then you weren’t sure before. It’s about intent.” Basically, by asking the question, “was such and such a mortal sin?” you just answered your question. If you’re not sure, then it wasn’t a mortal sin.

But the healing really snowballed with a good confessor who said to me, “Lisa, I don’t want you to worry about these scruples anymore. I am going to take full spiritual punishment for them, and you are to ignore them and go to Communion.”

Here’s why that worked. Scruples are a form of obsession, and the going to Confession and skipping Communion is the compulsion. So by telling me that he took away spiritual punishment, that stopped the obsession of “I’m in mortal sin, so I must do this,” and instead replaced it with, “Father has told me to do this, and I need to do it.” That took away the power of the obsession and compulsion and replaced it with a healthy one: do what Father says. Sometimes, the trick to OCD is replacing an unhealthy obsession or compulsion with a healthy one.

That was the starting point of my healing, along with therapy. Therapy was crucial because it helped increase my insight. And as I got more used to the OCD/anxiety worries vs. actual concerns, I started to notice a difference, and be able to tell when something was an actual sin vs. when it was just an obsession/compulsion. An obsession or compulsion would spiral in my head and cause a ton of distress, while a genuine concern would come into my head and I would decide not to do that particular thing again because it wasn’t nice, etc. And so what I would do, as hard as it was, was not confess what felt like obsessions/compulsions. I would limit myself to confessing three things I wanted to work on, instead of a whole huge list, and that eliminated a lot of the obsessions as well.

I learned that OCD comes from perfectionism, and that sense of all or nothing thinking. At least mine does. Either something was a mortal sin or not a sin. I didn’t account for venial sins, accidents, not having full consent of the will, etc. A lot of my healing came from increasing knowledge, from understanding what was wrong with me, that scruples/intrusive thoughts/images and other types of obsessions are common with OCD. It helped to realize that I wasn’t alone, and that these were symptoms of a problem with my brain not a problem with my soul.

What also helped was this realization: God knew, from the beginning of time, the sins I would commit and He loved me anyway. God isn’t some vengeful tyrant up there in Heaven keeping track of our wrongs and waiting to smite us. Instead, he is a merciful and loving God, who loves us so much that He came down and died on a Cross for us. It helped me to learn more about who Jesus is instead of my misconceptions. I learned how to love Him instead of be afraid of Him. That made all the difference.

And yes, because I’m sure you’re wondering, I still have OCD. I check doors frequently, and sometimes I worry about germs. But I’ve learned to combat that. I will purposely not wash my hands at times or eat stuff off “dirty” surfaces, or I won’t check doors again when I want to. I still only confess three things, and I don’t ever confess things that could turn into scruples. I always go to Communion.  I still have intrusive thoughts or images that like to pop in my head, and I just let them run their course until they disappear.

I’ve healed. And I’m happy.

But I know that I’m not you. Everything I’ve learned has been what works for me. You have to find what works for you. But I promise that God is more merciful than you are to yourself. That He loves you more than you could ever love yourself. And I promise that you will get through this. You might just need a little help. And that’s okay.

You’re not alone. I’m praying for you. And most importantly… God is with you.