Rainbow Smackdown 2
(A Satire)
Prime Minister Leo Varadkar walks into a spacious room. The office is well-appointed and overlooks the city. A billboard with a large red heart with the word Repeal inside is visible from the window. A woman is typing, one finger, on her computer. Varadkar approaches the antique desk.
Varadkar: Mrs. Clinton? You wanted to see me?
Clinton (not looking up): Yes, Leo, welcome to Dublin. Please have a seat.
Varadkar: Um, Mrs. Clinton I live here. I should be welcoming you.
Clinton (looking up): Barry sends his love. Please, have a seat.
(Varadkar sits in a small chair. Clinton peers down at him.)
Clinton: I want you to know we all love you. John Podesta told me to tell you he wants to pick your brain.
Varadkar (sheepishly): Sure.
Clinton: If only the U.S. had more Catholics, we would have won. You know, all we have to do is say “free birth control” and we get ninety percent of the suburban vote. Still, it only works with Catholics, and women. Curse those Evangelicals! But, we're working on that at the border. In the meantime, I need a job.
Varadkar: You're asking me for a job?
Clinton: That's why I'm here.
Varadkar: Pardon?
Clinton: In Dublin. Try to keep up.
Varadkar: You plan to move to Ireland?
Clinton: Already bought a house. Bill's Irish and the European Union needs me. So I'm running.
Varadkar: I don't know what to say, Mrs. Clinton. Of course we're honored to have you here, but it's a shock that anyone from the U.S. would want to become the Prime Minister of Ireland.
Clinton: After Ireland voted for divorce, gay marriage and abortion? You guys are rock stars.
Varadkar: Thank you.
Clinton: You know Barry is half-Irish on his mother's side, but we flipped for it and I won. That was how I got the Democratic nomination from Joe Biden. Of course it's a double-sided quarter I got as a wedding gift from Bill.
Varadkar: Could you get me one of those? I'm negotiating with Fianna Fail this afternoon.
Clinton (tossing him a quarter): There you go.
Varadkar: Thanks. (tucks it in his pocket)
Clinton: Barry and I were worried about Europe, now that “he who shall not be named” is the President of the United States. But after your abortion vote in a formerly Catholic country, we're invigorated again.
Varadkar: Me too.
Clinton: While you're writing your bill, remember those Catholic Churches would fit Planned Parenthood's needs.
Varadkar: Way ahead of you there. All we need to do is flash a photo of a bishop hugging a child and they'll be burned to the ground by morning.
Clinton: Excellent. Now, in order to fix all that is wrong with your country we'll need more immigrants from Africa. There's a boat in Italy and we can charter them in by six o'clock. (Clinton looks at her phone.)
Varadkar: It will mean higher taxes, but what the heck? I'm not paying for it. (Both laugh.) Because Africa has a lot of Catholics that are being persecuted, it will be an easy sell to the Irish people...
Clinton (waves her free hand): No! Not more Catholics, we already have enough votes. Barry insists it be Muslims.
Varadkar: But, but aren't Muslims against gay sex? And what about our pubs?
Clinton: We need to reform them.
Varadkar: (He points out the window and to the billboard's heart.): Yes! With the right message. My predecessor goofed when said baptizing infants is child abuse.
Clinton: Instead, she should have said something like the child must have the right to choose.
Varadkar: We could run on children must have the right to pick a gender and get the appropriate surgery, free.
Clinton: When I'm Prime Minister we'll have so many non-Irish here no one will be racist again.
Varadkar (claps wildly): I'd vote for you. But what about me?
Clinton: You would move on to a more important role, since the entire world would benefit from your youth and vigor.
Varadkar: Something like the Human Rights Council?
Clinton: Something better.
Varadkar: Pope?
Clinton: I wish.
Varadkar: The World Bank?
Clinton: Close. CEO of Goldman Sachs.
Varadkar: Fantastic! But...
Clinton: Yes?
Varadkar: What if you lose?
Clinton (glaring at him): What did you say?
Varadkar (looking like a scolded school boy): Nothing. Welcome to Dublin, Mrs. Clinton.
Clinton: No, welcome to the New World Order, Mr. Varadkar.
The End
(Inspired by news reports of a recent meeting between Varadkar and Clinton.)