An Occurence at Dublin Castle (A Satire Story)

A limousine pulled alongside the grand stone castle. An old man exited, his white uniform and cap blown in the the August breeze. Gasoline from the fleet of security vehicles flavored the air.

“Welcome to Dublin Castle, Holy Father.”

“Thank you, Prime Minister.” (Through an interpreter)

The three men begin to walk the grounds while security offices watch from a distance, earpieces visible.

“I don't want to waste our thirty minutes. You emailed my secretary that you could only spare thirty,” Leo Varadkar said.

The interpreter speaks to the Holy Father in Spanish.

“Two days is all I have to meet with my bishops...and I added a meeting with child victim advocates. Sorry to cut into our time together,” the Holy Father said through the interpreter.

“I understand. Because we only have a short time, and we must talk about many issues, I'm going to tell you exactly why I wanted to meet,” Leo Varadkar said.

“Yes?” asked Pope Francis.

“You have to give in. We won,” Leo Varadkar said.

“Won?” Pope Francis asked through his interpreter.

“Everything. Gay rights. Abortion on demand. Birth control in the water...”

“What does that have to do with the Church?” Pope Francis asked.

“You must modernize. A lot of the old timers still listen to you. They need to be enlightened,” Leo Varadkar said.

“Only the Holy Spirit can enlighten them,” Pope Francis said.

“Right.” Leo Vardakar winked as he proclaimed, “I know you have your script I have mine. But we are both pragmatic men. I really appreciated your 'who am I to judge' statement--before we overcame and won everything. But, since we did win, and I mean big time, we need to dialogue.”

Pope Francis said, “Dialogue?”

“Right. We want you to change the rules to promote same-sex families,” Leo Varadkar said.

“Change the rules?” Pope Francis said.

“Like you did for the death penalty. You could easily do the same for gay rights and contraception. Let your people go! No one believes that 1968 stuff. Heck I wasn't even born yet,” Leo Varadkar said.

“I'm sorry to disappoint you, Prime Minister, but I don't just change Church teaching,” Pope Francis said.

“Pope Francis, we both know you may do whatever you want when you get to a certain level. You don't want to be a hypocrite,” Leo Vardkar said.

“Why would you call me a hypocrite?” asked Pope Francis.

“Please! Everyone knows 'the brothers' run the Vatican,” said Leo Varadkar.

“The Congregation of Christian Brothers don't run the Vatican. If you would like, I could arrange for your Irish Christian Brothers to work at the Vatican--” Pope Francis said in confusion.

“I meant the gay mafia! Like the young people say, let them love who they love...and,” Leo Varadkar wagged his finger and said,“let women off the hook with birth control. Stop saying they're going to hell.”

“No one in our Church ever says 'you are going to hell', Prime Minister.”

“Oh, I forgot that you don't believe in hell,” Leo Varadkar stated as he slapped the Pope across the back and chuckled.

Pope Francis mummered an inaudible sentence in Spanish. He then added,“I would like to find common ground. But we, as the Body of Jesus Christ, must obey Him, not any State or government--” Pope Francis said.

Leo Varadkar's face began to redden. He said, “What are you saying? That you don't want to stop poverty, make peace, and have people prosper?”

“Of course we all want those things. But, we can't do evil acts to obtain them,” Pope Francis said, raising his hands towards heaven.

Leo Varadkar's back stiffened. “I suppose a Church that has a child sex abuse scandal would know a thing or two about evil acts.”

Pope Francis said, “We can only ask for forgiveness. My Irish-American friend, Cardinal Dolan, told me we can't move the goal posts to win the game. Instead, we have to scrimmage through and gain back the ground we lost. Through grit, hard work and a Hail Mary pass, we will win the battle.”

“Leave it to an American to make this about American Football,” Leo Varadkar said.

The End.