Let me be brutally honest with you. What you are calling me to frightens me to death. While it’s a road paved with self-giving and charity for your glory, it’s certain to be a lonely, hard and narrow road. I'm not sure I'm up to the challenge.
You have graced me with a deep love for you and the desire to follow you. That desire has led me to this place where all I can do is surrender to your holy will.
Most people in my life will not understand this path. Most people will not understand the nature of this call from you. They will not understand why I am saying yes when I could say no. They will not understand all the work you did on my heart to get me to this point where saying yes is the only right answer for me. Some will think I am completely crazy. Even my own family.
And that makes this hard. It will make me feel even more alone on this road.
I have heard your voice in my struggle with this. You tell me that other people will depend on me saying yes to this call. Who are they? What am I to do for them? You promise to be with me. You promise blessings. You promise special graces to sustain me. You promise a place in heaven and eternal joy. You promise people to support me, and a community that loves me.
You promise me much, and yet this call still brings me to tears over what I will lose.
Maybe that means I am too attached to this world and my worldly dreams. I know that I am attached to this dream, and I know the path to freedom lies in detachment from my will. Please give me a spirit of detachment.
It seems that my dream was not your dream for me. How do I reconcile that? How do I accept that? How do I make your dream, my dream?
Why did you choose this for me? Or maybe the better question is, why did you choose me?
This must be how Mary and Joseph felt. Curious. Troubled. Afraid. Uncertain. Desiring to be faithful.
Everyone tells me that your will leads to joy. But I’m learning that doesn’t necessarily mean the entire road itself is joy. Can you help me trust that you are leading me to joy, even when the journey is difficult? Even when I question my decision?
People also say that your will aligns with our deepest desires. I wonder if you know my deepest desires more than I do. Maybe you know that I couldn’t live an average life. In fact, you’ve already shown me what an average life looks like and I didn’t find joy and happiness there. You have called me higher and deeper.
Maybe I’m fooling myself. I couldn’t live for anyone or anything apart from your glory. I have been too touched by you. I have been too overwhelmed with your graces, your beauty, and your love. I have watched you change people. I have watched you change me. Now, I see sparks of the divine in everything and everyone around me. I never used to.
You never said your will was easy. Maybe that’s why when I went to look for consolation today in your Word, I randomly flipped to the Agony in the Garden. It was a stark reminder that there is agony and the cross before the sweetness of resurrection. That's how your will works. You gave us the example of Christ to show us this truth.
Lord, thank you for listening to my deepest fears, questions, and struggles with this call. I offer my discernment and this choice to you. Help me choose well and wisely, and say yes to your holy will. Then, give me the strength to keep saying yes to you day after day.
Your Beloved Daughter