Receive

I recently received an award of recognition for my volunteer service with our church youth ministry group, Filia and Fraternum. It means a great deal to me and I want to explain why but I first need to explain how it ended up being awarded to me.

It’s actually the end of my 4th year as a Filia mentor, but my first to give talks to the kids. I have this massive problem with public speaking. I joke that I’d rather die than speak to a crowd and that’s not really a joke. I get weird, anxious and visibly shake. I do not like that I have this aversion to speaking and am working on it but it’s a whole thing. Because of this thing, I never volunteer to give talks to the youth. Well, I used to be able to say that. Something changed.

I was first asked in the winter time by our youth ministry leader, Elizabeth, to speak on the identity of “sister” to the girls. I told her I would pray about it but I absolutely had no intention of saying yes to this ask. It was just not my thing. I could speak to my small group of 8 seventh graders– but ALL of the girls in every grade 6-12? No thanks.

Not very long after that ask, some church friends of ours went through the unimaginable when their 5-year-old son Micah passed away. My family had the great honor of attending his wake, funeral and burial. His wake was something that I’ll never forget. Seeing his beautiful family together at his casket -praying, mourning – it was powerful. The loss felt so great but the presence of God felt greater. The veil is thin indeed and it was more evident than ever to me in that church the evening of his wake.

I cried for this loss of little life and cried for his parents and siblings. At the same time I rejoiced in the knowledge that little Micah is actually more alive than we all are. I rejoiced in the hope of Heaven. On my knees in the pew that evening I prayed through my tears. I told our creator that I knew He was there with all of us and I know He is good and I want to do whatever He asks of me. I actually said that- whatever you want, Lord. Just tell me and I’ll do it. I wanted to choose obedience.

Wouldn’t you know- as soon as I was finished praying, Elizabeth’s ask for speakers for youth group entered my mind. Message received. I knew I had to say yes.

Doing this was a stupid amount of hard for me but I texted Elizabeth later telling her that I would give a talk on sisterhood to the girls. Then I prayed, asking for the words to actually write the speech. I was given everything that I needed to do that. When the night arrived I didn’t suddenly lose my fear of public speaking – I was shaky as I got the words out for sure. I looked down too much at the paper that held my typed words. But I did it and I know that the message He had wanted for me to share with the girls on the identity of sisterhood was said. And that was enough for me. Thanks be to God for Him using me in this way. In every way but especially in today’s culture we need to hear the truth. Our youth is especially sensitive to the world around us and if I can have just a small part of pointing anyone to the truth, I want it. I want to continue to be obedient.

By the end of the year I’d given a few shaky talks and the fact that I went from “never, not going to happen” to giving a few in a year was what led to Elizabeth giving me this award of recognition. I cried out to God for Him to tell me what He wanted of me. He gave me what I needed in order to do it. Funny how that works.

I do want to share what it means to me to have received this award.

I’m a 42 year old mom but even in this age and stage I get a longing sometimes to be on the other side of the parenting relationship- to still be parented. To have someone be proud of me. I don’t have what some have and what every person deserves in a set of parents. My mom died over 2 years ago now and that is another sad, long story but the grief is real.

Grief is only understood truly by one who experiences it. Now that time has passed since my mom’s death the waves of grief come in more infrequently. Mother’s Day was recent and honestly my kids’ schedules left me so preoccupied that I didn’t have a moment to process not having my mom around to celebrate on Mother’s Day. It came later, while I was actually working (thank God for my amazing coworkers.)

The same day I was crying to coworkers about that parental longing, I received my award at youth ministry.

To me -receiving this award was receiving approval from our creator. It really felt like a fatherly “good job, Christy.”  It’s the feeling I longed for and fills a space that was aching as it was empty. It’s not aching anymore. I know He is telling me that He delights in me and loves me and that truth is everything. That love is the greatest love. Nothing can take it away. Romans 8:38-39

Maybe you experience this love often, or maybe you never have. Just know that as I’ve written these words I have prayed for you. This love is here for every single one of us. I hope that today you get a moment to fully receive.